You- You’re Lea- You’re Leaving The Narcissist?!

So.

I hear you’re beginning to consider thinking about mulling over the possibility of your perhaps pulling away from that narcissist of yours.

WHY??!! Why unleash his toxic spewage on the rest of us; why grasp at the vision of a happy and fulfilling life for yourself while making the rest of us targets for his fake, psychopathic pursuits?

AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU??!!

All right. If you’re going to continue with this infuriatingly healthy, sane line of thinking, there are some things you should know.

**Narcissists HATE to lose. When you say, “It’s over,” you, a sane person, mean, “It’s over.” To the psycho you’re talking to, however, you are throwing down the gauntlet and saying, “Take THAT, Buttface.” If you say it’s over, he’ll instantly click into “I don’t think so” mode. Which brings us to:

**He WILL pursue victory. He won’t pursue YOU. It will LOOK like he’s pursuing you, but I assure you most vigorously, he’s not. He’s wanting to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be, with him screwing with your mind and your taking it, with you’re dousing him with adoration and admiration no matter how he treats you, and if you take him back he WILL incorporate in there some punishment for your “abandoning” him. He wants you back, all right, but on his terms, with exactly the same degree of selfishness and psychopathy as before. Nothing has changed. If you respond to him and give him another chance, you’ll regret it.

**He will want to check up on you. Because he loves you? Oh, my, you haven’t been listening, have you. No, because he wants to make sure you’re suffering without him.

Memorize this: Knowing you’re miserable without him is as satisfying to him as having you with him.

If he can’t keep you feeding him attention in the relationship, he wants to know that you’re thinking of him and having a hard time without him afterward. He’ll eventually offer to alleviate your suffering by accepting any and all apologies and taking you back, and then once you’re together again he’ll abuse you until you get sick of it and end it again. If he can keep you swaying nauseatingly between the two situations indefinitely, he will be having a very happy time of it indeed.

**Your only hope for success is a cold turkey break-up. No, you can’t “still be friends.” No, the occasional e-mail is not harmless. Narcissists who have been dumped will NOT be normal ex-mates any more than they were normal mates. Respond to him and he will, without fail, hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every “chance encounter,” will set you back in recovering from what’s been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. You can’t heal from a trauma you’re still experiencing. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from him. Marvel from a distance at his efforts to hurt and abuse you even though you’re not even together anymore.

There are a couple of different strains of narcissistic ex-mates.

The Herpes Narcissist ~ He never goes away completely and flares up when you need it the least. He will come back and act like absolutely nothing has happened and the two of you were just having a tiny tiff, for which he’s prepared to forgive you. He’ll act this way even though you’ve been ignoring him for four months and have a restraining order out on him. This looks like love and devotion on his part, but it’s not. If you warm to him in a weak moment he’ll do a brilliant job of reminding you why you left him in the first place, and you’ll have suffered a major setback.

The Lyme Disease Narcissist ~ He goes away, but not until you’ve employed radical defense routines for months and then you’re left with bothersome lasting reminders of the experience. If you were married and have kids together, he’ll make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like he did your marriage. He’ll act like he can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay as strong as a pillar of rock to get through it, and then you still have to deal with him until the kids are grown.

The Itchy Rash Narcissist ~ The best of the four, really. The only way to get over an itchy rash is to ignore it no matter how excruciatingly annoying it is, no matter how much you know giving it attention with bring relief, and then after ages of depriving it of attention it really does go away.

A very few extremely lucky targets (as target luck goes) are dealing with a Train Wreck Narcissist. These jewels will, often without warning or provocation, leave suddenly and completely with as much cruelty and abuse as possible and are never heard from again. Often they will sniff a hint of intent on your part to end or at least abate the abuse you’re enduring, and in a knee-jerk response they’ll do what they perceive to be abandoning you before you abandon them, and they’ll do it coldly, harshly and totally. Though their targets are devastated and profoundly hurt, they are left alone to commence their recovery without threat of interference from the abuser. They don’t feel even remotely lucky, and I have utter compassion for that, but in the context of recovering targets, they’re sitting prettier than they’ll ever know: It’s a whole lot easier to recover from a trauma that you’re not still experiencing, over and over again.

The best way to get rid of a narcissistic tumor on your life is to “stay down” in his eyes when he’s in his stupid devalue-you stage. It’s like a head start on a new life without his crap. He’ll probably ignore you and treat you like dirt, and then, later, want to see you again. Here’s where you ignore him. Treat him as you would the unfortunate young man two doors down who has a man’s body but the wits of a four-year-old, and who knows how to dial your number and send e-mails but who has absolutely nothing to say. Just likes doing it. Get caller ID and don’t answer his calls. Delete messages without reading them. If he shows up, keep the conversation on the doorstep– don’t let him in. Just answer with bland monosyllabic responses, no questions. They HATE to be thought of as boring; if that’s the vibe he gets from you, he’ll fade away comparatively quickly.

Trust me. This is what you want.

All narcissists are selfish, mentally disturbed abusers. They’re not cute, they’re not cuddly, they don’t have “hidden potential.” They don’t “get better.” They’re self-absorbed actors pretending whatever they have to in order to get attention. Period. Hear the fat lady singing?

After an experience with a narcissist, you’ll need to recover. You’ve been badly used and abused, and you need to face that in order to go on and have a healthy, whole life. You need to mourn and you need to get mad about how that assclown had the nads to hurt you like that, before you can heal. Remember: Every word, glimpse or gesture from or about him is a trigger, a set-back, and the fewer of these you allow into your life, the faster and cleaner your recovery will be.

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23 Comments

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23 responses to “You- You’re Lea- You’re Leaving The Narcissist?!

  1. Recovering

    This is a great post! Thank you!

    My Narcissist is somewhere between the “Herpes N” and the “Itchy Rash N” and while I completely feel the pain of those who were completely abandoned without any explanations, I have to admit that sometimes I wish my narcissist would’ve done that too. The only thing that came of his begging and pleading was prolonging the pain and recovering. You are absolutely right – you can’t heal from the trauma while you are still experiencing it.

    After keeping the door a cracked open to him because of his persistent begging and excessive promises (he realllyyy put on the full show for me), I found out slowly that there were 6 other women he was involved with only in the last 4.5 months. They don’t change. Their words are empty – and so are their promises. They are pathological liars and can lie with a straight face without a blink of an eye. It’s nuts.

    Thanks again for this, and all of your posts.

  2. liz

    I am completely dependant on my fiance and he exhibits NPD. I am not allowed to work or have friends that are not associated with our business. He adores me one minute, then mistreats me and acts as if I am robbing HIM of his freedom. My heart hurts me a great deal thinking that I have to leave him (the man that I have loved for almost two years) and that I dont want to be married to him. I dont want a lifetime of these feelings. Your site and others are ver informative, but I dont know how to take the first step in the right direction. This has been a yo-yo relationship, I have left several times only to go to counseling together and having it all fall apart again. I leave, get hopeful, do the work, and back to where we started again. I wish there was a way to condition myself not to be ttached to this man, not to love or believe him anymore, not to hope or try. He will mistreat me and then kindly ask me for a favor moments later. “Do I look good for work?” “Can you get me a drink?” etc. I live in his world, I am completely lost. I dont even know what my hobbies or my favorite things are because we always do what he wants to do. My voice falls on deaf ears, when I express my feelings or demand respect for boundaries I am scolded with a consequence of not joining him at something. I am called crazy and ridiculed. I wish I knew what it is that allows me to stay in this situation. I wish I knew why I cant stop punishing myself by staying here. I dont have a plan of anykind, I wouldnt know how, what, or where to go. My heart is attached to my environment and him. I am completely lost.

  3. fiona

    I’m one of the “lucky” ones, mine is the train wreck N. He sniffed my intent to leave him after 3 yrs together and broke my fingers (one needed to be stitched back on) and punched me in the face. I returned from the hospital and the police station to find I was also homeless (the house is his). I am sleeping on the floor of my elderly parents sitting room in a different city, a broken woman. This site is keeping me from thoughts of suicide. I totally cannot believe this has happened. I feel like a train wreck myself. Thank you Alex for being here for me. Now I have to heal, find employment (he kept me isolated and dependent) find a place to live and begin again. I hate him yet miss him and my beautiful dog Biffy (he paid for dog so will keep him). SUCH CRUELTY… I feel like a POW. When things were “good” he was soo charming and attentive yet, for the million times a day he would tell me he loved me it never really rang true. I caught him lying and cheating and using porn which broke my heart 18 months ago. Since then I tried to fix the relationship but he made no effort to mend things with me. I don’t know whether it would be best to drop the charges against him with the police or not for my safety as he could get even nastier if he gets a criminal record for the abuse. Interestingly the father of my grown up daughter (m 46yrs old) whom I left 18 yrs ago because he was also physically abusing me is loving that this has happened as is the ex husband I left 6yrs ago after 10yrs of being married alive to a cold heated emotional abuser. The husband has been calling me with pretend concern and is gleefully rubbing salt into my wounds. It seems I am an N magnet. I despair at ever finding a loving partner after all these failures with egotistical self absorbed cretins. And the best thing is this….to the outside world it looks like I am the problem, I am the disordered one, I am the failure. Oh how they must all be laughing their socks off! On top of this my dad thinks I’m the problem too (he has a violent temper too and abused my mother, brother and myself when we were kids) and when I cried at this crushing statement and said “well, shall I bugger off and kill myself and make you all happy” he said “yes and I’ll buy you the f***ing pills. Charming eh? Maybe its him that led me into the arms of these three fools in the first place. I am determined to not let the b**tards grind me down but the fact is THEY ARE and this site is giving me knowledge and strength. This is the first time I have ever posted ANYTHING like this…thanks Alex for this outlet and the relief it’s giving me.

  4. fiona

    Just like to add that my N has sent three texts 2day giving it all the love bombing and remorse crap and asking me to return to him….. your site predicted this would happen. Interestingly he said “don’t let anyone else control you or tell you what to do my darling Fiona, you must follow your heart”, heheheh! What he really means is don’t let anyone but HIM control me. My dad has been great to me today and is gonna bail me out of all the financial probs and get me accomodation so thats a start for me. My dad does love me after a fashion but I think that he is also narcissistic. He was a nightmare when I was a child. He read my N’s texts and realised that I am being victimised. Still, thanks to the knowledge this site has now armed me with I am confident I shall never let another N into my life. Warm hugs to all out there xx

  5. Annie

    This is RIGHT on! Excellent advice! And right the f on—they do NOT have “potential”. Do stop the ‘if only I had done this or that, etc.’. Life is soooooooooo much better on the other side WITHOUT them.

    So glad I’m done. Was like a prison. Soooo unhappy and uncomfortable. It was terrible, and the second worst all-time life experience. I almost lost myself.

  6. Rae

    If I was “interesting once in a while” my N wouldn’t have a need to sext with other women. If only I’d known it was that simple!! :: rolling eyes ::

  7. cynthia

    I have left 2 years and the pain and misery is lingering all around me. He has ruined my reputation and manipulates our two son’s. I am currently seeking custody for our two children and I am scared of all the tactic’s he has used against my family and I . I am sick and tired of him !

  8. Eve

    I was involved with an N with a drug addiction and a severe case of ADD. Its been 2 years NC but I’m just realizing what happened. I think I’m in shock and I ned help.

  9. mybrokenheart

    Mine is an absolute liar. So much so that there is an actual police record of it! Thank all of u for sharing. It means so much. I have been trying to do this alone and simly can’t. Oh and whats worse is i think his mother may be worse than him. I fight them both bullies! They r unrelentless. So done. So tired.

  10. Pingback: Thinking About Leaving Your N? « My Ex Narc

  11. Ann

    Liz, your fiance sounds like my husband. I hung in there for over 30 years. Hoping I could make it alright. It doesn’t get better. It gets worse. Now feel like my husband hates me for sqirming to make him happy. I became the enemy, while I tried to cater to his demands. He told me when he left, I have a higher regard of you now that you kicked me out. Sick.
    Our children lost respect for me for putting up with so much BS. My family has abandoned me. I have one real friend left in this world.
    Thank god I always earned my own money, otherwise my whole life would be in shambles. I can start over and I will, but I wasted so many years on a POS!
    Liz, keep reading. I didn’t start reading until he was out of the house. If only I known all this earlier……..

  12. vedra

    Fantastic info. Just dodged a bullet by extracting myself from a narcissist, and what ssems to be a mean, textbook variety. Much appreciated and keep it up!

  13. Lorraine

    I find these postings fascinating and know that I am not alone and not to blame! I feel in control having read so much about Narcisists and feel sorry for those people who never had access to the internet. My ex Narc used to suck my soul dry, devalue and discard me only to return when I had started to rebuild my life. As for the promises each time he returned after his new source was becoming boring, ” Im sorry, ” Ive always wanted to be with you !! now let me think, it didnt feel that way when I was sobbing on the floor 10 years ago and he was telling me to get up and stop ruining his shoes with my tears!!!
    Anyway it has been 19 years of pure hell and Im approaching my 50th, what a great future I have ahead of me now as I am free having only found out about Narcisists by pure chance. As for the lies, I often reflect on the severity of them and only people like yourselves know what I mean!!! they are so far fetched.Good luck to all you other Narc victims, we are the winners and remember the no contact rule, they hate it but will never admit to it.

  14. new pilates

    I’ve had nc with my n ex for 3 days now.This is the second time in 2 months, It lasted 10 days the first nc, which broke him down when he did’nt get a fathers day greeting. I had to remind him he is not my father! Im done. He has been found out in his lies. He’s in his angry blaming dance right now, saying I’ve ruined the relationship with my insecurities and mistrust. I let him sink his own ship. I let him have the last 3 text,and phone calls, and did’nt responed. I will not have any contact with him anymore. He will not be allowed in my space. Today I felt his presence leave my home and I know he will not enter in again. This is vital for my sanity, salvation and existance. He knows it’s over, he has already convinced himself it’s my fault. He is highly educated and loves himself. He admitted to me on the last raging blow-up, he has a PD. He felt like there was no help for himself. Bizzare. But for me and my house I have hope and I am seeking it as I speak, thanks be to God and the assurance of Life.
    Thank you so much for this website, I’ve learned so much and now realize the importance of resource and decerrnment.

  15. Tammy

    I found myself involved with an N, I only figured this near the end of our ‘relationship’ if that’s what it was. He was loving, charming and attentive at first. Then the real person slowly emerged. Throwing things, having drunken temper tantrums, insulting me, calling me names and telling me I was a grump who needed to take her happy pill. I am four and a half months no contact on my part but my family doesn’t seem to get it, he was their friend and now manipulates them into small contacts with me and they seem to enjoy it. Getting rid of him proved extremely difficult and I am still not sure he’s gone yet. I would say he’s the herpes type with a little leech type added!!! lol This article is so true and fits with what I went through. I believe I am co-dependent and that is why I attracted this person. I have learned I must put up healthy boundaries for all people and believe in my own value in order to live healthy and possibly find a healthy relationship.

  16. Nikki

    I have a similar experience with a N who was my stalker! Six years of pure hell!!! Was the Herpes type and I didn’t know he had a personality disorder until lately. I always put his bizzare behaviour down to depression. The more patient and kind I was to him the more disrespect and devaluing I got from him. These people are weird and don’t think and behave in the conventional and moral way. I really thought he was in love with me and was depressed because he couldn’t have me. I am married with children. I tried to reason with him but to no avail. He continuously threatened suicide and after every ‘disappearance’ he would come back begging me to only ‘stay in touch’ with him because he ‘can’t live without me’ and that he was about to ‘do it’. A few days/weeks later, he would disappear again. After a few times of that, I started reading about his behaviour and discovered he was screwed up so when one day in a desperate attempt to make me meet him, he got really angry and reversed in his car on to my son. I straight away called the police and reported him. He came to my work a few times after that and the last time was over six weeks ago when he said and promised he would never contact me again and that I was never worth killing himself for. I’ve seen him near my work twice since that last meeting and have had a few anonymous phone calls but I am determined this time not to give in. I am 100% sure he is not suicidal and all that threatening was a lie like everything else. I have never wanted him in my life, he pushed himself in with the intention to cause damage. I am lucky I have a wonderful and supportive husband and if it wasn’t for his complete trust in me, that man would’ve ruined my marriage. He lied about everything, from being lonely to wanting to end his life and I believed him and that’s why I’m REALLY ANGRY. And this anger hurts a lot and I can’t get rid of it. I keep hoping that one day I wake up and I can’t remember him at all.

  17. Molly

    I was definitely with a train wreck narcissist!

    Love the descriptions of the 4 types… I don’t feel lucky at all, I do feel abandoned- but I do realise that having NC at all is the best way to heal!

  18. seriously concerned

    I have 2 young children with my narcissist. I’m terrified he will steal them away from me. Everything was going really well until he jumped on a health issue I have (and am receiving treatment for) and I “clearly cannot care for the children”. He’s doing everything he can to drive my anxiety up to panic and I’m not sure if I should initiate legal action, or if he is just doing this to try and break my spirit. I feel completely at a loss and wish he would just go away. Unfortunately my children love him and he enjoys the acclaim he receives for every little thing he does for them. I do believe he loves them as much as he can love a person other than himself. I’m just terrified. Anything any of you can recommend?

  19. Dee

    I found out mine was cheating on me in August. He’s been terrible to me for about a year. Screams at me, insults me, literally laughts at my problems, critizes my parenting even though my children are grown and in college. In the beginning he was super attentive, always flattering, lots of flowers, cards, songs and poetry. Over the top, really. We’ve been together over 3 years. I had no clue and trusted him completely. I went to work one day and got and e-mail saying he was leaving the country! He went to Germany to vacation with and ex girl friend. I found out all of our co-workers and all of his family had known for months that he was going on this trip. Still, I missed him terribly and was sickened by being left and lied to. I was totally in shock. The oxygen left my world. I felt everything was fake. Foolishly we reunited when he got back (my idea, Big Mistake!). I just found out he told his Germany fling that he feels like he got rewarded for leaving me to be with another lady! I’m devastated. He tells me he loves me. He told her he broke up with me and is spending time getting used to being alone. I still live with him! I also found out he is skype-sexing with her at night while I’m sleeping in the next room. He e-mails her daily. Facebook, too. He’s out of town this weekend. I’m packing my things and leaving him. I’m embarrassed that I’ve put up with his complete lack of respect and selfishness for this long. He’s a sad, shallow, pathetic looser and i’m reclaiming my life.

  20. CRAZY

    I TOO LIVE WITH A “N”…INTERESTING THING IS I’VE GIVEN HIM ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT ONE CAN GIVE TO ANOTHER. HE HAS TAKEN IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. CLAIMS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MESS OF HIS LIFE….MOVES FROM ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER…FINDS NEEDY WOMEN WHO ADORE HIM AND THEN STARTS THE CYCLE ALL OVER AGAIN. I FIND MYSELF, A ONCE WELL ESTABLISHED WOMEN, REDUCED TO PREY AT THE MASTERMIND OF THIS “N”…INTERESTINGLY THEY HAVE NO COURAGE, LACK CONFIDENCE AND HATE THEMSELVES…THEY ARE MEAN, CRUEL AND DISCARD YOU WHEN THEY ARE DONE….HOW SAD FOR THOSE OF US WHO BELIEVE ALL PEOPLE HAVE KINDNESS INSIDE….THEY ARE THE PRODUCT OF SOME EMOTIONAL ABUSE….WE MUST HAVE COMPASSION FOR THEM……I’VE SEEN WOMEN USE SEX TO TRAP HIM, THINKING HE LOVES THEM. HOW SAID THAT THESE WOMEN THINK THIS IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND THAT HE IS SINCERE…HE IS USING THEM FOR HIS SELF…..HE PLAYS THE GAME LIKE THE MASTER…HE EVEN BELIEVES IT HIMSELF.

  21. lesley

    So my ex N moved out in August. I was an empty shell then broken and depressed and he knew I wanted him to go. I was with him for a year and a half and met him after my divorce. I have three small children which he used their affections to mainpulate me. He took and spent over $15,000 and has left us with this debt. He has now hoovered me twice. The last time just a few days ago. I went no contact for 23 days after falling again. He had told me to leave his house the night before I had to drive 12 hours to pick up my kids. He had said that his new girl was coming over and needed me to go. I had to cry to get him to stop and I will never forget the look of pleasure on his face as he watched me sob. He then cuddled me all night while I laid awake knowing I couldn’t take anymore. While away he sent me naked pics of a young new victim and I blocked him and went no contact. Over the next month he sent random I love you and miss you emails. One night in my weakness I wrote back and he was quick to suck.me in with apologies and promises of love. We were intimate. Then he revealed he had two new victims and needed to see that through. I was again devestated. I tried to confront him but as per usual he turned the blame and told me I was too crazy for him. He is right I feel crazy. In the past he has gone on alcohol benders, took money from.me to buy drugs, tried to allow his drug dealer to rape me for drugs, cheated, hit me, and emotionally abused me. I cannot seem to beat my addiction to him and I know anymore contact will destroy me. It is hard to comprehend that someone I adored and tried to help is so evil. I have read everything I can and know what he is but he twists my mind to believe his lies. I do not want this life for me or my children. They do not know i ha ver seen him again and are happy he is gone. I feel like I have failed them by breaking no contact and not being strong enough to let go and move on. I know that the two new ones are victims and its hard to know how it will end for them. I am taking him to small claims court for the money as we had a payment agreement in place before he decided I had emotionally abused him and deserved to pay his debt. I wish I knew how to stay strong and not fall into his game. I am sorry for anyone who has gone through this. This is by far the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through and I still have symptoms of PTSD. Thank you for giving me this outlet. I am broken and I only wake up to be there for my babies. I hope oneday this nightmare will end. For all of us.

  22. Nikki

    Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. Don’t feel guilty for giving in to him, that’s what they do. They are good at making their victims suck in to their abuse. They are so manipulative that they do it so slyly victims don’t feel it. We treat them as human beings expecting them to respond like ones too but unfortunately that;s not how their minds work. They are pure evil who plan their abuse and expect you to take it and ask for more. It’s a game they all play so well and we all fall for it whether we are in a relationship with them or not. My advice is to keep the NC and read as much about psychopathy as you can as this way you can at least start to understand what happened to you and avoid it happening again. As long as you are in contact with him, he will find a million ways to twist your mind and make you give in again. I know it takes long and sometimes very long, but if you don’t start healing now you will fall back into his sick traps and before you know, you are deceived and used again. Stay away and keep strong!

    You can try this website to educate yourself on P, if find it extremely helpful.
    Nikki

  23. Artemis

    The N.lived in my house. I wanted to end the relationship already a long time ago, but he simply refused to leave. His “splitting” was extreme: in one breath he could say: oh, you are the only woman of whom I kiss the feet and then: I hope you die you fucking H! He denied everything I ever said to him and lied about everything. He lied about his jobs, his achievements, (never had any) his money (he did not have any), friends (he doesn’t have any). He did (does) not work and lived completely of my money. He was extremely violent fysically and verbally and I was afraid that he would kill me in a N-rage. For example in a rage he started to throw things to my head untill he finally hit target and I was bleeding.

    He isolated me completely from family and friends and then kept on telling me: “you see, you have nobody but me” . Yeah right.

    On a friday morning I fled my house and since then I am trying to get things straight.
    For now I pressed charges and I hope they will put him away for ever: I know this is selffulfilling propecy but to survive I need to keep the hope that I do not have to see or hear him ever again.

    I agree very much with Crazy: not all people have kindness inside unless we can say that the N is not people but some kind of evil creature.
    I am damaged but I am determined to reclaim my life, family, friends, happiness everything. I will make the nightmare end.

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