The Aftermath — From the Narcissist’s Point of View

Only one heart gets broken
We’ve talked about this before, but it’s a huge component of the trouble with getting over these assclowns after a break-up — and that’s how easily he seems to move on. How light his step is after you break up, how easy it is for him to pretend that now, now that you’re not in his life, he is happier than ever and feels energy and radiance in every day. This is all while you feel like you’ve been hit by a logging truck and can barely form coherent sentences, so thorough and intense is your grief and pain. And it feels to you exactly how he wants it to feel to you — like he’s indispensable, unique, fun, healthy, awesome, and Mr. Right, and you’re doomed to a pit of misery, despair and depression without him.

OK, please join Aunt Alex as we take a closer look at this. Two people are together. Let’s call them Jennifer, and Assclown Narcissistic Douchebag Yakface (OK, we can call him “Andy” for short). Jennifer is a vibrant, emotionally generous woman. Andy is a narcissist who has no empathy, no ability to bond, and no burden of thinking of anyone but himself. Jennifer and Andy are going out.

Jennifer bonds. Andy only pretends to. Jennifer becomes emotionally involved. Andy only pretends to. Jennifer loves. Andy, ugh — he’d rather suck on moose mucous flavored fun pops.

Andy, because he’s an A. N. D. Y., breaks it off when he starts to feel he and Jennifer are too close, or she points out he’s not perfect, or he just feels vaguely bored one day and figures it must be the woman’s fault. Jennifer, not understanding what the heck happened, is devastated. Andy is not, because he was never truly invested in the relationship. So he carries on like things are fine.

There’s also something else happening here, and that’s Andy’s desperate need to pretend. Andy isn’t fine after the break-up. Not because he loved Jennifer and she was important to him, but because he’s a disordered trainwreck on the inside, and he’s constantly unsure how things look, what’s happening, whether he’ll get enough attention and adoration that day, and whether anyone at any time will ever actually make him decide anything or expect him to know how to pretend to feel. He’s anxious that he might not get enough worship. That’s a lot for one pathetic idiot to take on each and every day. But he’s going to pretend he’s doing fabulously, because: a) he needs to find a Jennifer replacement FAST and to do that he needs to look good, and b) it would never occur to him NOT to pretend that everything is terrific. Pretending is his life. Pretending is who he is.

My point here is this: Jennifer’s response to the break-up is real. It’s deep, and affects her, and it’s complex and emotionally strong. Andy’s reaction is just another narcissistic song and dance. 100% fake, totally meaningless, and utterly devoid of value. It doesn’t mean anything because it’s not tied to actual feelings, empathy and events. It’s only reflective of his need to bust his narcissist moves. It’s only about his desperation and his shallowness. It’s only about him, right this second, and what he wants, where he is, and what he’s doing right this second. What he can get out of someone this second, and who might be nearby from whom he can get it.

He eventually gets in touch with Jennifer again, because he wants some attention and adoration and remembers she gave it before. Now that they’ve been apart for a while, she’s not “regular” anymore — and “regular” is a very, very noxious concept to the garden-variety narcissist. He also wants to see that she’s been having a hard time without him; this makes him feel special. So, he looks her up, and he pours on the charm to try to get another fix of love from her. And if she’s been listening to Aunt Alex, she’ll do us the sweet, sweet favor of taking him back in without a hitch. Please, Jennifer. Get him away from us. Take one for the team.

OW! Hey, watch it with the rolled-up newspaper! Man, social workers can have surprising upper body strength……..

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27 Comments

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27 responses to “The Aftermath — From the Narcissist’s Point of View

  1. Christine

    You’re writing is genius! Here I was having separation anxiety all weekend about my ex N and I get this email in my inbox this morning to make me smile and think, “Everything is going to be OK.”

    Thank you again for the reality check and having is sound so real to me. You have no idea how much I needed to read this.

    xx
    Christine

  2. Not the easiest of reading..it hurts to know you meant so little to these assclowns, but in a way it makes it easier to get over them. The reality, though painful is spot on. Thanks! I would like to know how to hurt these bozos though, if its even possible and how. What can we do? Saying get over it and just move on, doesn’t do it!

  3. Linda, luckily the best thing for you is also, coincidentally, the thing that will most knock him over, and that’s ignoring him. Narcissists HATE to be ignored. It drives them nuts to think someone isn’t thinking of them, or finds them boring. If you are caught off-guard and you bump into him on the street, interrupt him no matter what he’s saying, pretend to text someone, and cut him off and walk away distractedly. If he gets through on the phone by using an unfamiliar number on the Caller ID, interrupt him to pretend to talk to someone else, and say you gotta go and watch TV with your friend. And hang up. For you, moving on is healthy, and ignoring him for now is part of a “fake it ’til you make it” approach.

    AND it royally burns his frosting. 🙂

    Aunt Alex

  4. Michelle

    I’m in the midst of divorcing the narcissist I was married to for 21 years. The pain is unbelievable, and I am still staggered at the abuse, lies, and manipulation he poured on me for so long.

    This blog is fantastic! So absolutely true, so funny, and so helpful. You write it like it is. Thank you!

  5. MsLOVELYMEEE

    LMAO…this sounds exactly like my poor ANDY whom I will definately ignore, interupt & go out of my way to show I’M JUST FINE without. :0) The pain is very real but with the way you put it very temporary.

  6. They say every woman will meet a narcissist in her lifetime but I’ll tell you this. I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. I’ve never in my life would even fathom that people like this exist.

    I used to think that my ex was getting away with murder one by being able to act so fucking cool after we were over but now I’m realizing the truth that he’s a mentally disordered person and I’d never want to walk a minute in his “crazy shoes.”

    We all have unfinished business from childhood but a narcissist takes the cake. They’ll never be healed and when they’re buried in potter’s field no one will care because THEY never cared.

    What a miserable existence!

  7. Jennifer

    Thanks for making us laugh about something that really is NOT funny. Me thinks you have a bit of the genius in ya.

  8. To the moon

    We were to be married within a few years, he pursued me, wept in my arms, surrounded me with love and attention..then poof-gone. He didn’t vanish however without going into an all out campaign about what sucks about me. Also-after doing the weeping in my arms scene several times, has the nerve to tell me in the end-he could give or take our sexual relationship-and me. Gone and moved in with someone within a few weeks. Devastated-there are no words.
    I get an email four weeks later stating, he was “healing”, I was an incredible woman, sorry for what he put me through. When I held him accountable for the words he said-the next email was less than wonderful, suddenly I was stale, boring, etc. And by the way-the woman he was living with was no big deal, just someone he would use, f**k and dump later.
    Thank you for the article, it helps..I am healing.

  9. elisa

    This is such a great post. Being left by my N left me a shell of a person, half dead. And yes he moved on quickly and easily, and from what I hear parades each new rebound around to social groups as quickly as possible to prove to eneryone that he is normal and desirable.

  10. lisa41

    It has been so insightful for me reading up on this topic. I now truly believe that I was involved with a narcissist for the last 4 months and it has made me feel a whole lot better about his dissapperence.

    So much of what I have read on narcs fits him personally. The hooking in with the charming seductive side, shocking sometimes inappropriate sense of humour, uneasiness disclosing personal or intimate details of their lives or when they think you are getting closer, keeping at arms length, defensiveness when you blow their cover (the truth hurts). He came, he took and he discarded. It could have gone on for a lot longer if I had let it.

    These people are emotional vampires and conmen. I have learnt a valuable lesson though. Next time I will get to know as much about a person as possible before getting involved and I will give as little away about myself as possible.

  11. Lorelei

    Wow…I am so glad I found this blog. You describe my painful existence with my exN of 20 years so well…and actually have me laughing about it! I wish I’d found you long ago. After many breakups and going back to him numerous times when he pleaded, I finally bid adieu to my toad 10 days ago and, for the first time in forever, I really feel this time it is going to stick. I am determined to make it stick. Your statement of not taking any more frog toxin in one of your blogs is helping me!

    I didn’t know much about narcissism before and spend way too much time trying to figure him out. I took a lot of abuse but he never broke my spirit and, finally, I have thrown in the towel and realized that he will never change and I am not taking any more abuse. One thing I struggle with though, is alternately feeling angry and then sorry for him. I know he is mentally disturbed and he will never change but I sometimes catch myself feeling sorry for him. Fortunately, I also feel strong enough to not take his repeated calls and delete all his texts, but, how can I stop feeling sorry for him? Or is it okay to feel sorry for him as long as I do it far away? I get angry sometimes, but, not enough as I think I should for all that he has done to me.

    Lorelei

  12. Rae

    Lorelei, IMO the fact that you feel sorry for him is just proof that you’re a human being with emotions! I feel sorry for my N too. I pity him. Pity him that he will never feel a real shred of emotion because the flip side of all this pain is the most incredible joy that we are able to feel. Because we’re human. That’s something the “N”‘s will never know. What a pity to be missing out on something so incredible. To just have to fake your way through ever situation for all of eternity. I say sure, feel sorry for him as long as it’s done from a great distance, but I would guess that as time goes along, we’ll think of them less and less. (I hope) and we’ll move on and heal and we get to carry the knowledge that we’ll heal and they’ll still be the sick bastards that they are.

    Rae

  13. EMPATH1

    Incredible! I am in therapy coming to terms with the fact that I am co-dependent and have been living with a nacissistic/sociopath type. For the first few months (I met him after splitting with my alcoholic husband…how vulnerable was I!?), things were wonderful. I couldn’t have been happier….then the change!!…OMG…affairs, lies, antagonistic. We had been trying for a baby, I fell pregnant. At 12 weeks, I lost the baby. He was VERY angry…I now realise it was because he lost control of me in that happening. During my time with this monster, I lost my job, my health, my social life and I spiralled into debt. It all happenend without me even realising…other that a continual state of anxiety and despair. Like I was treading on egg shells all the time. Eventually I gathered enough strength with the help of a good friend to throw him out my home…….THAT was a trauma in itself. He just wouldn’t go!!! Kept saying that I was mad and needed help and that perhaps I should go on anti depressants!!
    I am in touch with the “other woman” with whom he had his affair, (well the one I know of, and bless her…only because she came to my door to warn me of his ways), and she has been a tower of strength to me….we both experienced his narcissistic ways and we are supporting each other in recovery. The lies he told to us both about each other are beyond comprehension. I send my heart out to all the other victims of this abuse. He currently still “rents a space in my head”, but I work every day at evicting him.

  14. kate

    I can related to all the messages and stories here. I have spent the last three weeks trying to get my head around what the hell just happened. A year with an N and there were plenty of red flags. I called it off on many occassions but somehow allowed myself to get sucked back in. Wanted to believe he was the person I fell in love with. Ex fighter pilot, Harvard Bus School grad, principled, a hero in many peoples eyes and so on. But then there were the signs. No empathy, severe mood swings, no talk of family, arrogant, 45 and never married or in a long term relationship. Had relationships with other women – would excuse it away or deny. Never able to say sorry. Then the final deal breaker – gave me an STD (thankfully curable). Even that was my fault….must have been from a toliet seat….etc. As time goes on I will see this experience as a blessing. Something in me allowed me to be with and put up with this person despite the signs and my gut feeling that he was not right. I need to continue to focus on that and build my self esteem to ensure it never happens again. Oh and as for the hero to zero….to this day he will text and “hope I am o.k.” wishes me peace and happiness, hopes I will find love. NUTJOB. I am not taking the hook again. No contact. Thank goodness he lives in DC and I in Canada. Blogs like these are very helpful and therapeutic. I hope others have the chance to educate themselves before they get sucked in by these sub humans. Knowledge is power!

  15. Jon

    Seems like I’m the only guy victim here. It happens the other way as well.
    I divorced the wife after one year of married he’ll and 3 years of this confusing dream-like illusion I was led to believe was love. During the three year relationship, which starting with a charming, perfect-in-all-ways gal, i was muted to the point of not expressing my concerns or opinions for fear of 6 hour tirades, cut of from friends, family and definitely members of the other sex in any capacity, and slowly hollowed out from my core. Many break-ups and reconciliations, 5 threats of divorce with actual kicking out for things as mild as packing a Billy Taebo video in the trunk, I finally suggested counseling and she countered with an ultimatum. For the whole relationship I forgave and turned the other way. I forgave her infidelity, which she denied and later blamed me for, I turned a blind eye to severe contradictory statements. Was I trying to fool myself?
    Well, after I moved out and filed for divorce, I found out she had been married for four years prior to which she never shared with me, she has filed BK twice and is in the hole with the IRS for roughly 100k. This is the girl who told me she had a 1m$ 401k mysteriously left out of her bk paperwork and was heir to a supermarket chain in abroad. Don’t get me wrong, I understand people have issues in their past, but she never bothered to tell me. When confronted, complete denial, blame to me for researching her records, rejecting that it was any of my business and then blame back to me for making her lie.
    Picking up the pieces after someone like this is the hardest thing I have ever been confronted with. The first part was honeymoon bliss, the remaining part was brainwashing that she was always right and I was always crazy. Now, I have to unlearn this. The hardest thing to realize that she was an illusion and that the relationship was a farce. I can confidently say I was in love, was a great partner and deserve better. It’s just hard to say this to myself with all the rest to untangle.

  16. Jackie

    Oh my God….You just took the words right out of my mouth as I am going through this EXACT same thing right now. Only mine was not Andy, but MARC (Me – Awesome – Recognize me – Can’t be humble). Thank you, thank you, for making me feel like I am NOT CRAZY thinking all these things about my ex-man who seems to have classic NPD in every way, shape and form… And as this just happened (the break-up) for the exact same reasons you listed above…I was sitting here crying my eyes out this morning, going through the intense emotions of a break-up. And you are totally right!!! I am sure he is carrying on just the way you listed above because that is HIM to a tee. Thanks stranger, you have been a good friend to me today and are helping me to smile and laugh;)

  17. a.

    Ay yi yi.
    Well, here goes. Women’s intuition: I knew from the beginning something was off, but I rationalized it away, because I had known the guy for years and continually fantasized about him. He seems like a real winner– served in politics, unbelievably attractive, intelligent…
    When I walked into my first Master’s class years after first meeting him in undergard, there he was. I tried not to get paired up with him for a project, because I was attracted to him, but always sensed maybe something was wrong even though he seemed like a great catch, but a professor ended up putting us together after my original partner dropped the class. This is the WORST thing that could’ve ever happened, because now I had the “it must be fate” complex and I ignored all the red flags in the beginning. By the way, he let me do the entire project. We got an A. I see now that he skates and uses. Duh.
    He loved to trash his ex who filed a domestic against him (which was dropped) “out of spite” for him catching her cheating on him. He had just “broken up” with her– that “evil bitch” when I started dating him. He laid it on thick with me- poetry, promises (red flags, but again I was thinking “fate” like the lunatic that I myself am lol), but would consistently disappear for days on end. He admitted to “collecting his things” from her home.
    Fast forward a few months. I’m starting to realize a lot of his friends keep their distance from him. He’s unemployed and can’t find a job, because everyone else is “jealous” of him or is “racist” (he was black, I’m white). I thought… this is kinda weird, but I’ll go with it. I mean, the man did have a legit impressive history of employment. Of course, all of his impressive positions hadn’t lasted very long. Hmm.
    Then it started. Suddenly, I was cheating on him. (Just like his ex supposedly did.) And the abuse started. The disappearing acts followed. I stayed, tried to prove myself. It ran me ragged.
    Then one day, coming home from a position that he landed, he called me from jail. He wouldn’t make it, because he was arrested on a “warrant” from the old domestic charge. Must not have been cleared, he said.
    Turns out, it was a new one from when we first started dating. He was still talking to his ex and working things out all through the first month of us dating and him telling me I was so special, he felt like it was fate blah blah blah…and she filed another one against him the last night they saw each other. He says he ended it with her that night, but he’s not as smart as he thinks he is. I’ve pieced it together, and she found my tampon in the trash (which he accidentally admitted once) that night and likely ended it with him. I was the other woman at the time and she was probably giving him another chance, just like I have so many times.
    I must have some shit self esteem man, cause I let it slide. I let missing condoms slide and open condom wrappers slide. I let it go when I found out he met up with a different ex and told her she was everything to him.
    I’m not perfect, nor am I always a walk in the park, but I’m an attractive, educated, and financially independent woman. I’m kinda ashamed of myself for letting it get so out of control with this leach. Ugh. No woman deserves this. I take solace in knowing at least I was strong enough to finally walk before he did.
    Back to the story….Well, I tried to rationalize the latest domestic. I stayed. I said, let me try something new- I’m just going to feed his ego and love him and not put up any fight whatsoever and see if it proves that I’m not cheating to him. (I must be nuts.) MAYBE he is just really scarred from life- a diamond in the rough and I’ve been too defensive. Maybe it was his other exes and he’s just got trust issues. Maybe people really are jealous of him. (At this point, I’d like to say that YES, I KNOW BETTER, but I gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I wanted him to be what I thought he was. Perhaps that is a bit selfish of me. I know now I fell in love with an idea, not him.)
    It went well for about a month. Then, most recently, he disappeared for a night again. Called me the next morning said he slept at a friend’s, misses me. Makes love to me that morning and falls asleep. I know what I did next is wrong- but I needed my answers, especially after he made me run around crazy trying to prove that I wasn’t cheating on him. So I went through his phone. I needed to win- as narcissistic as that sounds haha. I needed my vindication, however painful it was. And I found what I was looking for. I cut him off cold turkey. That was last week.
    He’s pursued me to an extent.
    He shows up at my home and sends me love songs via Youtube, about how he’s sorry and please don’t leave over a mistake. I very much suspect that while he is doing this, he’s already got someone else coming over at night. I think this, because the pursuit goes on all day and stops at night. I’m no moron, even though I’ve been acting like one.
    I realize now that I am in the position of the original ex (when I first met him) and the new one that I just FEEL exists (and this experience has reminded me to trust my feelings) is the old me.
    It hurts so bad. I know she has no idea that he is trying to get me back, but I also feel bad for her. It’s only a matter of time before he does it to her. It’s hard when he sends me Luther Vandross songs or shows up here and tries to hold me (I only opened the door once to give him some stuff back and he barged in of course). But I know that he doesn’t really mean it. He just can’t stand the fact that I left.
    Very soon he will likely be forced to go to domestic abuse counseling from the pending case with the ex right before me. The part of me that still wishes he was who he pretended to be hopes it is dropped so he can get a job and continue on his career path. The other part, that knows who he really is, hopes this time she nails his ass to the wall.
    Part of me wonders if he will be forced to accept himself and if maybe I will get a legitimate apology at some point. In the sickest of ways, I hope when he sees me at school dressed to the nines, and he’s simultaneously in counseling maybe working through things maybe getting officially diagnosed (this guy is classic- any therapist will see immediately), he will realize what a shit he was to lose me. The other part of me knows he probably won’t realize it– and if it does happen by some twilight zone twist of events, by that point, I won’t even care. The next few weeks will be hard, but I know I am better off.
    Thanks for listening. It helps. Stay strong and safe and know that there are people out there who won’t do this. The scars will last for us all, but we can’t let it derail us from future happiness. 🙂

  18. a.

    I would just like to clarify quickly, when I say “i was cheating on him” i mean that he started accusing me. I wasn’t really. I realize it sounds confusing. 🙂

  19. I have just had a two month fling with one of these people.She has displayed a lot of the traits you describe here.I knew at the beginning she was an N/sociopath and decided to stick around and see if it was really true what they say about these people.Her behaviour followed every description I read up on.Hooking me in with great sex and giving the nurturing emotional one (me) what she saw I needed.Then after a few weeks moving the goalposts by crying out for help with drug and alcohol addictions and ‘confessing’ all her nasty secrets.She actually came out with the line ‘I dont know why this is but I feel compelled to tell you everything.Things ive never told anyone’! The next step was to withdraw the sex and get me cooking for her regularly.She would then go to bed and sleep.If I asked for sex I was told I had ‘a problem’.
    I ended it very suddenly last week and she left my home thanking me for the last two months as if it had been a business arrangement.We spoke on the phone yesterday and a very cold brusk person I did not know read me the riot act.There was never anything but sex on offer apparently and I should take responsibilty for my being feeble and needy.She never had anything to give and never will.Did I want to go back to the no strings sex arrangement she casually asked at the end.When I said no she finished by saying.See you around then,bye.

  20. Vivvs

    Hilarious I actually dated a Andy who was actually an A.N.D.Y to the tee! He told me he loved me just to try to make me fall in love with him while he was telling ten other women the same thing. Caught him out like a cat with the canary in his mouth & claws!

  21. Sneak

    Your article is the missing puzzle piece that I need to finally heal and move on my “A.N.D.Y”. Talk about an “aha!” moment!!! Looking forward to my chance to ignore him in the future. Can NOT wait!!! LOL!! It will be epic. I know him better than he even knows himself. Thank you!!

  22. pathetic

    i am currently 4 weeks out of what i think was a relationship with a narcissist . within weeks of meeting me he loved me and was looking to leave his current partner cos his life was hell because of her wayward kids, he rented a house very close to where i was living , moved in after doing a moonlight flit (so many red flags) … never once looked upset at what he had done to her , Over the months being warned to watch him off other women, i didnt care , past is past as long as he remained faithful to me , was the best few months of my life , made me feel so happy we were so right together , then i found out hed been seeing his ex, i forgave him put it down to sentiment i was already very attached to him , wanted to spend every single minute of every day with me , i was flattered , then suddenly he wasnt rushing home to see me, wanst complimenting me, just as i felt he was growing away from me, he would become very attentive again , first argument turned very nasty , i started with a question about his ex, asked in a very soft way, he started screaming at me saying i was starting an argument , told me to leave his house, the next few days followed with abusive texts telling me what a bad person i was right down to the fact i didnt wash up one particular night , after 3 days i told him id had enough and to leave me alone after id texted him numerous times explaining my so called bad behaviour, then he became affectionate and wanted me to come home , of course i went. over the course of 10 months a few more splits happened but the last one he didnt text , he physically hurt me aswell as emotionally , i then found out he was back with his ex, a week later hes in touch , everything is my fault, he wouldnt have gone back to her if id behaved , then he started to post romantic songs on you tube for me, i met up with him , said he didnt know what he wanted , after we slept together :/ he became distant for 2 days then back in touch again , i ignored him for 5 days , have caught him driving past my house on numerouse occasions , slowing right down to see what im up to , still fall weak some days and see him . In 10 months ive gone from a fun loving , confidentish woman to an emotional wreck, i cant help it i still love him , but the more i read about this illness the more i understand, im not crazy , all the stuff i didnt understand , nobody would understand. currently second day of no contact … again…. i hope i can stick to it because hes currently doing the treat her like a slapper routine now, which after all thats how i feel…. i feel such a bloody fool . especially since he has now decided to tell people a pack of lies why we split, apparently im a psycho and ive been told by a lot of women hes propositioned them while hes still in a relationship with someone.

  23. Naomi

    I just feel like i’m never going to be able move on from this painful break up, he says it’s over but then why still call me??

  24. Rapunzel

    Control. And the fact that whomever else he has started seeing may not be giving him her full attention yet. Sorry. I know it hurts. Change your number before it gets more messed up- like with me. I couldn’t stay away. I broke it off so many times after feeling like I could no longer take the use and abuse. Finally, I caught him in the act of cheating (which is, ironically, what he constantly accused me of doing). He never admitted it even after the blatant evidence. I walked away and he pursued me for a month. I gave in and saw him again. Then one day, his accusations started again as did his disappearing acts… I thought here we go again. This time, I really walk… That was two weeks ago and I just found out I am pregnant with his child. So, here I am, pregnant with the man’s child and The most repulsive things have been said to me by him- that he will never want to have a child with me, that I treated him worse than he’s ever been treated in his life… And here’s the kicker- that I am a narcissist… This from the man who stole money from me, hit me, cheated on me, and verbally and emotionally assaulted me on a regular basis. If I made dinner, it wasn’t good enough. If I got dressed up, I looked silly or I was “looking for dick.” If I said no to something, it was because i was doing it with someone else. If I called him out for taking money from me, I was selfish bc I had more than he did. I am a smart woman currently finishing up a master’s degree. You’d think I would’ve walked away a long time ago. Don’t be foolish like me.

  25. Rapunzel

    Oh yes- I forgot to mention another lovely detail. I found out I’m pregnant when I went in to have surgery to remove something that needs to be biopsied for cancer. Throughout the whole experience, my anxiety and possible cancer was “semantics” according to him. The lump is of no importance and can’t compare to the dramas in his life. I’m an “over-reactor.” He has not once asked me how I am doing… Nor asked me if I am okay with waitig to find out about it now bc of the pregnancy. In fact, per usual, he hasn’t asked me anything about how I feel- about the lump nor the pregnancy. All he has said is that I am either trying to trap him or ruin his life by having his child. It’s. all. About. Him.

  26. Ahmed

    Hello,
    I just came across this site by accident when I was looking for articles addressing women/men who suffered (or are suffering) from NPD. Everything that I have read seem to describe my relation with this young woman to the “T”. She is 34 years old and already have 4 children from two failed marriages and an additional two from a past boyfriend. I was 58 years old and was married when I first met this young woman at my wife’s business. My personal life with my wife has been on the rocks for a number of years proceeding my meeting this woman. I quickly fell in love with her, she was witty, warm, understanding and loving – really, everything I have ever wanted from a relation. About three months later after starting our relation, she admitted to me that she has also fallen in love with me and that I was her only true love compared to the previous relations she has had. I was thrilled because I also felt that I finally found the person that I have been searching for. Life with her was great. I looked forward to each new day not just to do things and go places with her, but because I also felt that she was my soul mate, friend, lover and everything a man could ask for.

    This feeling lasted for about 5 months after which I started to notice that she was quite moody. She got upset, clamed down and just did not give me a chance to see what I have said or have done that bothered her. This was very frustrating as I started to weigh everything I say, or do, around her just to avoid getting the silent treatment for hours or, sometimes for days. Whenever I was persistent trying to find what bothered her, she became more irritated and, on a few occasions, just blew up in my face with this rage that I have never seen in her before.

    Life continued on, I rented a better home than the one she lived in and she moved in with me. The following months had so many ups and downs with me moving out and back in because of arguments over things I thought, as a man, that they were important in a relation. For example, her disappearing for two days without telling me, or any of her friends, where she has been – how dare I question her about that! During my relation with her, I found myself doing and saying things I would have never thought I would do or say. I did all that just to keep the peace between us and hoping that I see more of the wonderful, warm person I initially fell in love with.

    Things came to a head about a month ago when I went to see her at her job and saw that she was leaving with a Hispanic man. For obvious reasons I followed them to a bank where they have stopped and asked her who was this gentleman. She looked at me and told me that he was just a friend. I asked her on why she has never mentioned anything about him and her reply was “can’t I take a friend to work?”. At this point I calmly told her that from now on she can do what she pleases and that she can take any number of her friends anywhere they want. I also asked her to please go home and take her stuff away as I was no longer interested in having her stay with me. I then left and headed home. An hour later she came home and started gathering her belonging and her children’s belongings. She asked me to leave and I told that I’d rather not as last time I allowed her to do that she took every photo I have had with her going to the extent of taking out the memory chip in my camera with all our photos.

    About an hour later she asked that she leave to get a truck so that she can move her belonging. She returned later with a girlfriend and started to pack her truck. She then walked to the bedroom where she started tearing certificates that we just got a few days earlier in a 15-day cruise crossing the Panama canal. She then walked to the garage and started throwing toys and vases that I have purchased for her two daughters just outside the garage. She took one of the vases, walked to the entrance of the garage and threw them on the ground breaking them. I asked her to please do not do that but she continued to break another vase. At this point, I was so angry and I took one of the vases and smashed it on the side of a 1951 old truck that I have bought for her to restore. At this instant, something snapped inside her and she behaved very very irratic. I decided to call the police so at least their presence would slow her destructive actions. The police came and took both our statements. One of the officers then came behind me and cuffed me for criminal damage and domestic violence.

    I spent the night in jail and the only question that kept going in my mind was how can she do this to me? – we have just returned from the cruise and she was very happy. In all my two years with her she has never complained about any verbal or physical abuse. However, on the police report she must have told the officer that “she fears for her safety” This statement resulted in an order of protection against me – I was served the following morning while still waiting to be released from jail.

    In my relation with this young woman, I alienated friends and family members in order to live in peace with her – I did all this in the name of my love for her and believing that I was the first true love in her life. Yesterday, I had two court hearings. I saw her for the first time since the incident involving the police. She looked as a dead person with absolutely no emotions what so ever. I could not believe how would someone that was very happy, or at least it seamed like that, do this to me? She gave her statement and walked out of court like though I never existed in her life. I am still struggling with the answer to this question as I can not stop thinking about it. I am starting to see that I probably was one of her previous victims. The Hispanic boyfriend who was the father of her two youngest children, 3 and 4 years old at the time, she reported him to the police as threatening to her and her children – he was arrested and deported to Mexico as he was undocumented. The boyfriend just before me when she was unsuccessfull attempting to place an order of protection against him.

    My main dilema now is that in my heart I still love this woman. However, every time I think about what she did to me I realize that she has never loved me. Does she has a heart? I think she does as just the sight of a dead animal on the side of the road put her in tears. She was generous with the very little money she had sharing it with friends who were more needy. Can a person like this woman have any true feelings in her heart to a relation that seemed to be what she always wanted? Will she ever remember any of the good times she shared with me? Can persons like her express the feelings of regret? How can I forget her and all the good times we shared? I wish there was a recipe that would make me hate her – I can then at least have reasons to stop loving her. Why do I want to continue, though seemingly impossible, want to have a relation with her? In my own mind, I can not stop blaming myself for what I have told her that day and justifying her behavior. I long for the very person I initially fell in love with as I know that this person is inside her!

  27. Pris

    I just broke up with my N four days ago, but I know its done for good after realizing he is narcissitic. I am a successful, pretty, wonderful nice girI who had self-esteem before I met my N. I had known my N for two and half years. In the beginning, he was all of it, charming, projected confidence, nice cars (but always used cause he couldn’t afford a new one) so into me. He had a gf the whole time and I was trapped already in love, I thought I was the other girl, I was one of many! I just couldn’t get over him. I was sooo in love.
    The start of this year, he wanted a relationship with me. I was so happy. I thought he wouldn’t cheat on me. I was wrong. He only lived two minutes from my house. He would “go out with friends” and wouldn’t come home cause he was too drunk to drive. He drove girls he home in his car, just incase I passed by (I would only see his car). He would break up with me and beg me back within the week. I found condom boxes in his car and gym bag. I found little wine bottles in the trash. He accused me of stealing his trash once! There is so much more, I could go on and on. He had an excuse for everything. Everytime we broke up, he had a new chick, not feeling bad what-so-ever. He dated wonderful girls, even a local newsanchor, and he did this to all of us, only I’m the only one who knew all of what he did, and I still stayed. I realized this after going through his phone one night when he was passed out. He was texting and calling soooo many girls and receiving/sending pics to all of them. I was devasted.
    After that (October), I knew it was over but just couldn’t let him go and felt trapped and didn’t know why. I couldn’t comprehend why and how he could be fine and I was so devasted. Now I know after reading and learning all about narcissism. I believe his parents not wanting him as a child and his aunt having to raise him made him develop this disorder. He never really opened up about this experience, of course, but know this is why. My life was wonderful before him and now I have to make it wonderful again. He will never feel bad, he has no empathy, he is selfsih, his attempts to get back are his need for admiration.
    It hurts and it is sad to realize that someone you cared about so much suffers from this disorder. I felt angry and would “go crazy” trying to understand and hurting from the unbearable pain cause I couldn’t understand how he could do these things to me, but now I know. It is healing and freeing. I am not trapped anymore.
    The one thing I would advice all of you is absolutely no contact. He has stolen so much already, and its time to get it back before its too late for you sake. I have blocked his text message, I have blocked his number and any other number I know he will call from from my cell phone. He still has ways to contact me and will but not having access to my cell, is helping me to heal. I don’t read or hear his lies. They are all lies. I cry cause this was a horrible and horrific experience and wouldn’t want this for anyone. I am sorry for ever being that other girl (in the beginning). I will get better and pray to God and I know one day I will find the right guy. We are all better people for this and need to learn from this and run the next time we run into a N, hopefully never. This disorder is inhumane and horrible and I truly feel sorry for anyone who suffers from it. Our pain hurts but its normal, the fact that they don’t feel bad for anything is not normal and I pity them, They live their life as a lie and will never be satisfied.

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