How to Make a Narcissist Want You


OK, Aunt Alex apologizes. She knows there are a few folks who got awfully excited when they read that, and I have no intention of telling you how to make a narcissist want you (which is impossible anyway, because he can’t “want” anyone in a meaningful way). But we are going to talk about that feeling — the feeling of wanting a narcissist to want you.

It sucks. End of chapter.

OK, Aunt Alex apologizes again. I’m in a bit of a snarky mood from spending time on the front lines. Here’s what I want to say: That craving, that thinking of him and WORKING to make things good with him, is exactly what he wants. He wants you to try, to give, to do and to obsess about him, all about him. Your wanting to be with him, and your wanting him to want you. When you’re in this mode, you’re likely to be giving him the attention he so desperately needs. You’re likely to be easy for him to manipulate.

The narcissist anthem, if there ever was one:

He wants you to want him, and has zero intention — or capacity — for ever meaningfully wanting you back. Ever. In his whole life. Any more than a Mack truck can float like a swan. That whole idealization phase from the beginning, that was so deliciously hopeful and loving? It’s not coming back, except for in little bursts when he wants something from you. This hurts, it sucks, but we have to work with it because it’s real and it’s true.

I had lunch once with friends, and in attendance was a gal who was vividly, robustly of the Histrionic Personality Disorder variety. While chattering endlessly about herself, she kept checking her phone for texts about every two minutes. She said she was waiting to hear from this guy Rick. “Why don’t you call him?”, another person said. “No,” she brushed the suggestion off and shook her head. “He already texted a couple of times looking for me, and I’m just seeing if he did again.”

Yep. This gal had no intention of giving back to Rick the love and attention he was showing her, but she was always looking for more from him. That poor guy was probably pretty anxious to hear from her, but she had nothing to say to him — and only wanted him to want her. And to text, call and write to her.

Forget about the narcissist ever wanting you, because he can’t. Not the way normal people mean when they say it; not with depth and consistency and meaning. And here’s the clincher: He can never want anyone else with depth either. Ever. No matter how a “relationship” looks, or what anyone says, or how wonderful the new person is. Doesn’t matter if it’s Penelope Cruz, no one with whom he ever, ever has a “relationship” will be wanted by him in a meaningful way. Not because you’re not worth it, but because he’s damaged goods.

He’s damaged goods. You’re worth real love and desire from a guy. See the disconnect there?

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “How to Make a Narcissist Want You

  1. Barbara

    Alex – Dead on again! Does this explain why something seems missing sexually from them? Why we wonder if they’re gay sometimes? Why they can’t relate in a loving way with someone that is “real” and actually cares about them? I’d like to hear your thoughts (and others) on that!

  2. I can see clearly now....

    What I found sexually from my N husband of 15 years is that he wouldn’t seem to allow me the pleasure of satisfying him in the ways that I wanted. I wanted to give myself freely and regularly to him, but he would temper that, as if to save me the trouble. It left me with a lot of mixed feelings. I now believe that it was his inability to connect with me on a deeper level and his need for it to always look like he was the “giving” partner (to fit his Nice Guy image). Anyone else with similar experience?

  3. Roxy

    Wow! Exactly! Mine is also a sex addict. And yes I did sometimes wonder if he was possibly bisexual.Didn’t think gay, but yes always felt something is amiss here.We had a great sex life, but still constant cheating, hookups with total strangers, online sex, tons of porn.It was non stop.And didn’t/doesn’t matter with who.He even cheated on me with a woman 40 years OLDER than he, and told her too how much he loved her. Devastating. I’m doing my best to keep away.Some days I am so so down.He still calls or texts wanting sex, even though he is with yet another woman.And I’m sure contacting and/or having sex with Lord only knows how many others.So many years of my life I invested in him. Reading things like this helps me to stay strong and not get sucked back in. It’s been one hell of a road.My entire life has been obliterated.Since he accomplished that I’ve been reduced to less than garbage in his eyes, but still he’s gotta try for the sex fix, and to keep me on the hook. You are correct what you speak here.But you are far too kind.(which I have been accused of myself).I speak to him as though he were human. Like what am I thinking, that if I treat him as human, he’ll behave like one? Yup he initially was PrinceCharming. For 6plus years I waited for that Prince to return.And yup got the little glimpses of that.Just enough here and there to keep me hoping. My God I absolutely adored him! Still do,in a way.Ya know? But I can’t deal with it anymore. It’s just not my job to teach someone how to be human, how to behave in the world.And quite honestly these people (toad asses) are not teachable.Afterall,what’s there to teach to someone who’s already perfect? They can’t relate in a loving way to someone who loves them because they pretty much hate you for loving them.It’s weird.And hurtful.He twists anything and everything into such a deranged freakish nightmare.No one could possibly make sense of any of it. But people sure do believe his lies. It’s uncanny.His ability to charm and persuade. And even when you know he’s lieing, you believe. It’s mindblowing. I wish they could be locked up, or made to wear a sign, “I am abusive, I destroy people.” Although he’d no doubt enjoy the attention of that! I have read that they don’t particularly like sex, they just use it as a means of control. But like I said mine is a sex addict, which puts a whole other ugly spin on it.

  4. Rita

    Former wife and gf’s of my man have told me that he is a N. But then they seem to think that he really loves me because he keeps talking about me all the time. He told me that he has changed. Even some male friends have said the same that he has settled. I don’t want to buy into any of that Narcissim stuff, because we are all damaged goods and do things at times that are more or less manipulative. I have to come clear with this whole thing as we want to get married soon.
    So maybe he is a N or maybe he is not. Maybe he was one or maybe he has changed. He still woos me after one and half years. Sometimes he is loving and sometimes he does not ring me back for 3 hrs. at a stretch when he is at work. I don’t know if it is selfish, or if he is with another woman or if he is too busy to ring back. Sometimes he comes with that special spark in his eyes and does not keep his hands off of me.
    I don’t know. I am still me, even though I am doing alot for him to keep his business alive. What do we know until we are truly hurt?

  5. Ann

    Mine was all over me all the time. With a job, two small children and having to do everything in and round the house, I couldn’t keep it up so I declined now and then. He got so mad about this, saying he wasn’t going to let anyone call him abnormal (which I never did) and would not touch me unless I asked for it. I was relieved then but now see he was punishing me. It left me feeling guilty for not asking. He kept it up for 20 years. He’s now kicked to the curb.

  6. Ann

    O gosh, it just hit me! He was feeling great because I had to ask him for a “favour”. Jeeeeezzzz…

  7. Dont waste your time on a man that is a N you will be left with an emptiness
    in your heart that surpasses all understanding N s are monsters and masters of manipulation If you are in a relationship with one its best to cut all ties and pray he finds another victim to use and abuse

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