Monthly Archives: September 2011

The Narcissist as Sex God.

Reader Alert: Not for young eyes or those of tender constitution. Proceed with caution.

First, I hope you giggled a little at that title, because if there’s anything a toad ISN’T, it’s a great lover. Don’t get me wrong, some of them have acceptable technique. But even that is part of their disorder — if you look closely at any very good technique they have or anything you like, whether it’s their kiss, their pace, or a certain touch, they probably learned it from you. They’re either mimicking you, or are repeating — over and over — what they think you like. They have no personal style that’s partner-oriented. Creepy deviance is likely; pleasant creativity is unheard of. Sex on the fly is likely; true intimacy is starkly lacking. He’ll accuse you of being frigid or not liking sex, when the truth of the matter is you just don’t want his sweaty manatee fatness grunting on you. He’ll pleasure himself on your body while you’re trying to sleep, and act like he’s just anointed you with the nectar of the Greek Gods. And you should thank him for annoying you, using you, and getting you all gross before sleeping.

Face it. Narcissists suck in bed.

People like sex. This is because sex is really, really awesome. Toads with personality disorders, however, are not really, really awesome, and they tend to have one of two approaches to sex.

(1) “I have an erection! Let’s have a parade!”

Yeah. He has an erection. This is supposed to be as fascinating for you as it is for him. You’re supposed to experience his erection as he does when he has it, and get all hot, aroused and freaky right at that moment, and magically know how to thrill him sexually. Forget about YOU being satisfied sexually, or when YOU are aroused and want to spend time with him; you’re supposed to be fulfilled by helping him to achieve orgasm, and every sexual encounter together should be a greatest hit. If you don’t have a great time, it’s because there’s something wrong with you, not because he’s a selfish lover. The beginning of the sexual experience is defined by his erection, and the end by his orgasm. Then he’ll pat you on the butt and roll over and go to sleep. This, my friends, is not love-making. It’s masturbation using another person as a sex toy.

(2) “I am Tarzan! Lord of the jungle! No, wait, I am Pre-Transgender-Woman, hear me ROAR! No, wait, I’m a MAN, but, gay and PROUD! Wait, what’s a transvestite — and is “bi” still available?”

I have never seen anything so pathetic and hopeless as the sexually confused narcissist. And I assure you most vigorously, they’re as common as fleas on a hound dog. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a narcissist who was both secure and comfortable in his sexuality. They want EVERYONE to love them and want them, so, actually, nothing and no one is off the table (so to speak) when it comes to potential sex partners. And their identity in ALL departments is so flimsy and malleable, including their sexual identity, that they don’t really have a firmly established gender identity or sexual alignment. They want attention and adoration from anything that moves, and if sex is a way to get it, so be it. They’re the ultimate slut — they’ll truly hump anything.

For both of those two types, though, be sure that when a narcissist has sex, he thinks he’s a Greek God at it. It’s healthy for people to feel sexy and confident and comfortable during sex, but that’s not what’s going on with him. No, he’s PERFORMING. To HIMSELF. He’s the guy who mirrors over the bed were made for, so he can watch himself — not the two of you having a loving, intimate time, but himself, being a golden Greek God. And like with anything else, the truth of the matter is he sucks at it. So to speak. Sex isn’t a bonding behavior for him, with shared passion and afterglow and tender endearments, it’s a release and a GREAT way to be passive-aggressive. To withhold, to let you down, to begrudge and to abuse.

He’ll pretend he loves and get your response, your love, and get you to give yourself over to him, and then devalue and discard just like he does with everything else. Narcissists make their lovers feel needy, because their lovers do all the giving and get so very little in return — and the resulting emotional deficit is VERY uncomfortable.

Doesn’t matter if he’s good-looking, has beautiful eyes, a large dong, or good lines. Sex is just a more painful version of the same emptiness and lack of bonding ability as he offers with every other part of the relationship. That’s not what sex is all about, Friends, and there’s nothing Greek God-like about a toad.



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Good on ya.

Just a shout-out to the Friends who left reviews over at Amazon. Reviews help readers make a choice. The comments posted there, they rock, and Avenging, Caroline, Abbey, so do you.

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The First Cut is the Deepest Part 3

Aunt Alex’s Army has a dry-out tank.

Let me explain. A portion of the emotionally generous population (that would be us, Friends) have narcissistic toads as parents (that would be Fake-Mom and Destructo-Dad; hey, let’s call them as we see them). This messes with the kids’ boundaries, because from birth the tykes try to bond with the toad parents in a normal, healthy way, and the psycho parents will have none of it. They use and abuse, just like all other narcissists. The boundaries get bent. And for some emotionally generous kids, along with this can come a craving.

That craving — it’s for the love and bonding of the parents, and for little kids it’s very healthy. Bonding with your parents increases your chances as a growing and developing human. Narcissistic parents fail pathetically at bonding and completely let the kids down. Then the kid grows up, and in reality the parents become essentially obsolete. But — the primal craving lingers. And the boundaries are bent. Hello, recipe for disaster.

Guess how the cravings are fed? Not with healthy relationships, because the cravings are for the love and bonding of the actual parents. You guessed it. With relationships with people who sense that craving, AND the emotional generosity, and who swoop in for the kill. Toads. And narcissists. And assclowns. Oh, my!

This is critical: THE CRAVINGS ARE NOT YOU. They’re SEPARATE and APART from you, an unwelcome stow-away and a relic from a horrible childhood. They’re scars that flare from time to time. They’re not a disease, or a personality trait, or a weakness. Those cravings are just old aches from war wounds, wounds suffered in the battles for health and normalcy when you were a little child. Old aches from old scars.

Fair enough, but sometimes those cravings are nurtured and nourished by modern romantic narcissists into full-blown misery and trauma, when the toads play on all this old stuff in your head and heart to their own advantage (which they all do). The cravings become large and looming, sore and ravenously hungry. What then?

Then, it’s off to the dry-out tank with you. Those cravings are NOT an addiction. But it works to treat them like one, and the battle can be just as hard. A narcissist lures and taunts actively and with full voice, like a glass of wine passively and quietly lures an alcoholic.

Some people have such a rough time with this craving, that Aunt Alex is going to build a dry-out tank. This will be a closed and private support group to supplement any current support groups or recovery help a person uses, where we only deal with the cravings, 12-step fashion. Dropping the defenses. Admitting this isn’t the way you want to live. Focusing on that first cut. Reviewing how you got here, building the boundaries, and taking full control over your own narcissist-free future. Marching on toward management of the cravings, not toward trying to pretend they don’t exist. Virtual coffee, cider and fresh doughnuts will be served.

And it’ll go like this:
“Hi, my name is Alex, and I have cravings.”


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The First Cut is the Deepest, Part 2

We were talking about narcissist-mom and toad-dad, and how they can bend a person’s boundaries. I person with bent boundaries can be pretty vulnerable to future predators of the personality-disordered variety, until those boundaries get fortified through time and work. Narcissists are like hyenas — very opportunistic, and always on the prowl for the easy, emotionally generous catch. (Plus they smell and whine and have greasy fur.)

This connection of the current narcissist to the crappy parent can be seen pretty vividly in the messages in the heads of the emotionally generous when we respond to narcissists and other toads. Look at what people say when they describe their reactions to these guys:

“I feel lost without him.”
“I felt this connection that I desperately need to feel again.”
“I love him. We had something so special, so unique.”
“I just need to have him back. I can’t explain it. But he has this effect on me that just goes through my whole body.”
“I need you. Jesus, just get normal about this, will you?!”

Now, these might sound a bit over-the-top to anyone who hasn’t been mauled by a narcissist-hyena, but they’re taken straight from the testimonials of survivors. This is the way toads WANT to make people feel — like they’re very special, gifts from the Gods, and irreplaceable. And they succeed in making people feel these things, but especially, and most viscerally, in people who have felt this way before.

Look at those statements. And put them in the mouths of kids, little ones, who are being left out in the cold by their parents. Then those statements make a whole lot of very clear sense.

Those feelings don’t get shaken off right away when a person gets to adulthood, because this is primal stuff and it leaves a mark. The statements above get applied to a manipulative and crafty toad when they tromp through the EXACT same breaches in your boundaries that the crappy parents did, the breaches in your boundaries that the crappy parents created. Your psyche is no dummy — it recognizes this, and remembers the pain and the anxiety from childhood. It remembers these things very well. And never forgot how important that connection was. That memory wakes up. This makes the toad feel even more important to us, along with the rest of his BS. Those effects — the breached boundaries, the memory of our childhood emotional starvation, and the current Toadcraft — all swirl together into a downward spiral. Hello, tornado-o’-misery.

This is fixable in emotionally generous people. All of it. The current toxic relationship, the emotional memories that take over, and the bent boundaries all can be straightened out with time and work. There’s more than hope; there’s pretty much no way you CAN’T fix these things, with some time and good work. This is in contrast to narcissists and other toads, who can’t be fixed, or improved, or trained, or helped. They’re permanently rotted out. They’re screwed.

If you got short-changed by a narcissistic parent, then you’re able to show yourself something remarkable. Write down in words the way you feel when the current Toadboy has you feeling your worst. Then look at those words, and imagine them coming out of the mouth of a kid to his crappy parent. I bet you’ll be astounded at how much more sense those feelings make when they’re applied toward the person for whom those feelings are really and originally meant — the person who cut you first.


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