Dear Aunt Alex

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:: Because Aunt Alex gets mail.

Dear Aunt Alex:

The flaming narcissist ex has a new girlfriend, and she seems (from a distance) to be a nice person.  I feel like I should warn her.  How should I do this? Write her a letter, give her a call?  And when is the right time?
    Signed, Alice

Dear Alice:

Well, aren’t you an altruistic dear.  Aunt Alex loves that about you.

However, come on over here and sit in this chair, Dear, and let the Army cadets wrap this rope around you until these helpful feelings of yours pass.

Nothing about this is a good idea, and here’s the worst part of this not-good idea: You’re staying engaged.  You’re staying involved, and I do daresay that your wanting to stay involved in his life is the main reason you want to warn this poor woman about the mess in which she’s finding herself.

But, we needn’t rank your motives in any order, or even look at them more closely than that.  How should you do this?  You shouldn’t.  When is the right time?  Never.  She won’t listen and has to find out for herself.  You need to detach, mourn the loss of your hopes, and put all of this love and concern into your own life and future.  

Now, you let me know if those ropes are too tight, and I’ll go get you some nice rice pudding with cardamom. 

 

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Dear Aunt Alex

  1. Sunflower

    So true! I found out the hard way and the new woman threatened to pursue a restraining order against me. The toad had already told the new woman that I was a crazy ex who wouldn’t let go. When I found out that he moved in with her 2 days after he told me he loved me and I was the only woman for him, I called her to find out the truth. She didn’t want to hear the truth from me and will find out eventually.
    Thanks for your wonderful posts!!

  2. I second that… And I speak from personal experience, having tried to warn the ex-narcissist’s new girlfriend.

    This reality check applies even if the new girlfriend happens to be a good person and a good friend, and even if she badgers you for information about your past relationship with her narcissist (ostensibly because she had a flash of insight that his behavior was out of line). This, too, happened to me.

    I had already made the decision on my own to distance myself from the narcissist; my good friend had inadvertently “outed” him several times over the past year and a half, which is how I found out about what was really going on behind the scenes while I was dating him. (Just because you find out about having been manipulated or betrayed a year or two after the fact does NOT absolve your abuser of anything.) My husband, who happens to be the ex-narcissist’s cousin, and I ended up in marital counselling around the time I’d decided that my friendship with the ex-narcissist was over. I knew the predicament I was in, being an ex of the N, and that warning his new girlfriend about him would be misunderstood as jealousy on my part (even though she had persistently asked me for the information earlier). Anyway, this toxic family dynamic came out in counselling and the THERAPIST told me it was my moral obligation to warn the girlfriend. I protested. Then she insisted that my husband and I write it together, outlining all the indiscretions, infidelities, and other manipulative behavior we knew about, and send it to her. Since the therapist had the Ph.D., and we figured she knew what she was talking about and were paying her big bucks for her help, we did what she advised.

    The situation blew up far more than it needed to. It kept us (particularly me) engaged and on an emotional rollercoaster for a really long time. (The girlfriend married him anyway and is about to give birth to toad spawn – denial is really that powerful.)

    My advice? Get out. Get out now. No fanfare, no warning, no goodbyes (unless you know of child abuse, in which case you should be informing the authorities but no one else).

  3. Barb

    I actually wish someone had told me to look up “Aunt Alex” around the time I thought I was going crazy – it would have saved me a lot of anguish.

  4. Christine

    I think “warning” the new girl on the block is part of the misguided caring N victims are known for, which is why they become victims. We need to redirect that caring to ourselves, our children and the folks in our lives who actually DO love us. Something about N victims has us always looking for the most destructive people to “help”! Probably because most, if not all of us, were damaged by N’s when we were young, and we keep trying to “fix” it, keep trying to get the approval of the one who wants to wipe their feet on us, keep trying to get the approval of toads. It’s GOOD to care, just put it where it will make a positive difference in YOUR life. This site is great, by the way, and I LOVE the truth in it and that Aunt Alex pulls no punches. When you’re in the army, you gotta go through boot camp!

  5. Berengere

    Dont do it – if anything she will only try harder to make herself look better and prove you wrong. He will tell he that she is the exception you see….

  6. S.

    I have the same dilemma. And I’m still not sure about the solution. You can’t imagine how much I wish I have had some warning or just hint from anyone who was/is close to this piece of shit in my life. You can’t imagine how many times I replayed situations when I was with his ex girlfriends (yes, he keeps them as his friends and has no problem to introduce every new gf to them and even ask them to offer a place to stay when he is in the city with his new girl… to a new girl he usually says the ex gf is a ‘very good friend’) and was thinking ‘why they didn’t hint anything’. I think they just have no idea. They maybe had no clue what was going on and just considered their relationship as wrong but with some other girl the relationship would be different. (well, why would they be still friends and give him a lot.) But I would pay thousands for just a hint. I had my doubts even at the beginning, but just because everyone thought he was such a nice and great guy, everyone liked him.. so I thought it was my fault and my wrong expectations and that I was too demanding. That I was so self-centered that I couldn’t appreciate (or see) the good about him. Well, that time is over and now I wish there was someone with the insight. But back to the dilemma. There is a girl he dated before me. They broke up a week before he started to date me. He broke up with her because of the distance. Well, he was cheating on her all their long-distance relationship. He started to date me but it was also long-distance (but a bit more manageable distance). With a girl he cheated the first one with was he still having sex after our relationship started. That girl has still no clue about anything even about me, and he met her after we were together for 4 months and she asked him several time if he had someone new. So, we dated for a year and then I moved to the country where he studies and lived with him for more than a half a year. But, the girl before me still can’t get him out of her system and after this year and a half she asks him if he wants her back. (yes, I read his emails… I don’t regret it.) She still thinks he is not/and was not involved with anyone else as he stated he still loved her but the distance is not manageable. The reason why she asks this is that there is someone new in her life who is in love with her but she seems to be not able to get this toad out of her head. What he replied to her I don’t know. I can’t find out now. No, she is not stupid. She is quite successful sound artist and I would say wise (when it comes to society and life in general). She just didn’t have a chance to find out the truth cause they were together for a month and then she went back to her home country and long-distance (as I know from my own experience) relationship is very convenient for a manipulator and liar. That lasted for 4 months and then he broke up with her and started to date me. (and yes, she had some doubts during this long-distance… yes, I’ve read his emails and this time I regret it.) So, should I let it be? I have evidence and I can prove he started to cheat on her 5 days after she put her feet out of the country. He even wrote her he spent nice time with his ‘friend’ who came to visit him! I also noticed that I have this urge to tell her when I’m pissed off by him and I want some kind of revenge… ’cause the most painful thing when all is over and you are finally free is that the rest of the world is adoring him and he’s going to be supported and nothing he has done will face the consequences, he would even gain some advantages out of his behavior. And all your loses are for nothing.

  7. Denise

    I would never give his new gf any information…she was very mean to me, of course he told her i was a psycho, so she can find out all on her own…i want no part of what she’s gonna be like when he rips her heart out and walks out the door !!!!

  8. Saphireblue

    Sunflower, i can totally understand……….. same thing happened to me……….

  9. Now, I know why his first ex-wife looked at me so sad when I first started dating my N. I believed like he told me that she was psycho and wouldn’t leave him alone. I thought she might want him back but couldn’t understand why she was nice to me and appreciated how I treated their daughter. I want to talk to the first ex now!! I haven’t done that either though because I’m not sure it’s such a good idea either.

  10. lauren

    My ex Narc was in a relationship with someone else when we met on a dating site. He told me that he only focused on one woman at a time but i had this weird feeling every time he left my place and went back to his place an hour out of town. She contacted me via email and told me that he was cheating on us both and that she thought she was in a serious relationship with him. He told me that he met her at the same time and was selfish and could not decide who to stick with. He acted like she was a bitch and that she was hurtful for telling me! I couldn’t believe it at the time. He said he made her go away and that he decided I was the one he wanted. He told me he had issues around needing attention from other women.He was working on this…He was in counselling…He dragged me to his counsellor to try and heal and save our relationship at that time. I thought he was being sincere. Since then, i caught him on dating sites twice and the story goes on and on….We recently broke up and he told me that he was going to take a long break to get over our relationship…He had a profile up on a dating site immediately and lies about it. This guy was a school counsellor, school teacher, active in mens groups, mentoring boys to become men in a group and has a masters in psychology! He was always sending me information and giving me books about Narcisissts and trying to convince me that i had an incredible amount of them in my life and that I needed to wake up from the trance I was in from them…He is obsessed with Narcisissm ! Can you say “projection”. My head is spinning..

  11. Gemma

    I wish some one had warned me, now in debt and scared of what will be when I i walk away. I distance myself but keep contact in vague hope the money is paid as I’m desperate. The danger is when i distance myself I wonder if things were that bad? I still have feelings for him and needless to say jump into bed with him occasssionally. I leave before I realise I am infact irrelevant in his life. he is being pleasant at present which un nerves me, I only speak to him once a week and see him it seems once a fortnight. I hope the money is paid and I can eventually walk away scott free.
    I feel so isolated as cannot discuss with anyone as no one understands they just think I’m pathetic. I am biding my time but have an awful feeling about it all. Nothing is simple with this kind of person. They have no conscience only desire to have what they want.

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