Dear Aunt Alex – 10/13/12

:: Because Aunt Alex gets mail.

Dear Aunt Alex,

This is unbearable. I’ve failed at trying to make this relationship work, and I know he’s a narcissist, but I see something in him, something boyish and lovable. And he keeps coming back. Surely that means something? It’s great that women have Aunt Alex’s Army if they want it, but I don’t need army life, I just need a hug from him.

Signed, Kristin

Dear Kristin,

I know you want a hug from him, but would it help to get a big one from Aunt Alex? And some army cadets?

There are a lot of feelings going on in your letter, but the answer to it all is nestled right in there.

“I know he’s a narcissist…”

STOP! That, right there.

“But –”

There isn’t a ‘but’ in the world that negates that part about his being a narcissist.

“Right, OK, but –”

Not one single thing. He’s a narcissist. That little fact changes everything. You didn’t fail at making anything work; he did. You don’t see boyishness in him, you see immaturity. You don’t see lovability in him, you see manipulation. And he keeps coming back because he wants to get things from you and use you. And, surely, what he does doesn’t mean anything.

Now, this hurts. Your heart is broken. And you definitely, positively need a hug. But looking for a hug from a narcissist, a warm, meaningful hug that isn’t coming with strings attached, is an exercise in futility and emotional disaster. A disaster which you, Kristin, are living right now. But look for that hug from people who genuinely care about you, and you’ll get the hug, the respect, the care, and the dignity and emotional reciprocity you deserve.

The photo of the double rainbow was taken near Army Headquarters, a narcissist-free zone. We get them here pretty frequently. Coincidence? I think not.

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33 Comments

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33 responses to “Dear Aunt Alex – 10/13/12

  1. Heb

    Kristin, be strong! Hang in there. I’m dealing with the same issues, but have made a list of all the things about my N that will haunt me forevermore and make me question him no matter how many times he comes back. There’s just no room in the life I have planned for myself for those doubts and negatives.

    I know you love him. I understand totally. But he will never change for good. It’s just not in their “chemical makeup” I guess.

    When feeling lonely, have a list ready of things to do to perk yourself up. For instance, look at facebook pages of people you love, write all the wonderful things about YOU, sing!, exercise, get a manicure or massage, etc.

    I wish the best for you.

  2. missouribeauty

    I agree with Aunt Alex, and Heb. Get away from that dude and save yourself! Nothing but pain and heartache awaits if you keep him!

  3. Clare Allan

    Kristin every time you start to imagine the ‘big return’, visit some of the posts on line from the rest of us. Bless Aunt Alex daily, and re-read her books, she is solid, correct and right every time. N will only come sniffing around for more supply. Those dreams you have about them turning up ‘to make it all better’, are the remains of nasty little tendrils wound around your brain. Like old Mr Fox or a crocodile, the N stashes us some place ‘just in case; they need someone to snack on. Stick to rainbows they are far, far more tangible and reliable. The charming N is a short-lived trick of the light. How good it feels to be doing things for you, free from the anxiety that N hasn’t turned up, is irritated by the sun/moon/rain/light/picnic contents, sulks about your hair, friends,pet…and the temperature of your home-made icecream!

  4. christine

    I am at the point of detaching myself from my N husband where a hug from him makes me feel a little ill. As I move forward with my plans to totally separate (I’ve signed the divorce papers and took my name off his property, but he doesn’t know it yet), I learned how to look at him and see what he really is, but I smile at him and tell him “I love you” so he won’t go reactive and vengeful before all the legal stuff is final. At first it felt dishonest, but then I reminded myself: All is fair in love and war, and it is my DUTY to protect myself from him and any N’s lurking out there. I am a soldier, N’s are the enemy, and I will fight to the death before I let another one steal the meaning and hope in my life! If you MUST “wean” off your N, do it, but fight fire with fire. Learn to work the N to your advantage-they are EASY to fool, because they are not genuine themselves. But you must do this when you have been able to emotionally detach, and don’t kid yourself if you haven’t! We all need to stop thinking the world is all rainbows and unicorns-there are TOADS out there!

  5. carla

    Kristin, all of these comments are so true! Is there ever room for you in this relationship? Can he stand intimacy or does he do a runner after good moments toghether? Does he call you names? Is everything your fault? Is there a big difference between what he says and what he does? Does he change his circle of friends all the time? Are his only friends the ones from high school or university which he rarely sees but has some sort of internet relationship with? Does he make you feel special? Have you read all these books or taken a psychology course to understand him better and to make him see that you are loveable? STOP all this NOW. Open your heart to a friend, not to him. You’d be surprised by the number of inconsistencies your friends have noticed about this ‘special’ relationship. And do everything Heb and Clare say, they are so right! All the best xxxx

  6. Cassidy A.

    Dear Aunt Alex,
    I am a married mother, 44 years old. Our son is our whole world and I was recently trying to brace myself emotionally for his departure to college in another state. Just before he went off to college, his basketball coach ( a 26 year-old local man ) pursued me as I have never been pursued in my entire life. “Coach” as I will call him, is also my son’s mentor and close friend. My affair lasted a very tumultuous three months as I ended it several times, feeling an odd “coldness” about him, even in the midst of his pursuit. But he told me over and over that he’d help me through my son’s leaving for college and the pending “void”. I was incredibly vulnerable and I told him so. Bad idea… Looking back, I realized, that my vulnerability was the least of his concerns. As the affair progressed, I told him it made me feel like a “whore” Nonetheless, I continually fell into his arms– which is odd as he was NO champion in the bedroom. Nor is he particularly good-looking. I am a paid model with a well-known agency. (Looks mean NOTHING to narcissists after they have finished with you) On the times I did end the affair, I was less than gentle in my words with him because I was intensely feeling the pain of guilt (my poor husband), and the instinctual fear that I was being used/deceived by a monster. I was also acutely aware how easily I could lose my son’s respect not to mention his love– He would be hurt and shocked and damaged for life if he knew.
    I was very afraid the three times I was intimate with the coach, so afraid in fact, that I physically couldn’t continue having sex with him as his strange coldness seemed a revolting aspect of his personality to me.
    I never knew him very well before the affair, but I had always put him on a pedestal as he was my son’s coach and friend. I totally trusted him with my son’s safety. The coach also has a baby and lives with the mother of his baby in a decent house. This gave me even more piece of mind, despite the fact that they weren’t married. (That SHOULD have been a red flag from the start) Little did I know, over the summer, the coach had purchased alcohol for my son and his girlfriend on at least one or more occasions. I found out by reading text messages between him and my son on my son’s cell phone. I gave my son the appropriate safety talk about alcohol. We are VERY close–he took it well.
    During one of my attempted break-ups with the coach, I begged him never to provide my son or any other minors with alcohol again. Only weeks before, the coach was officially terminated from his coaching position which caused me great concern, but I overlooked ALL of it, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Any other time, I’d have beaten down a path to the authorities if anything was going on with any of my son’s coaches.
    On the last occasion that I saw the coach, after many failed attempts at figuring out our relationship, we agreed there should be no sex and that we should simply snuggle and talk. We did that, along with some heavy kissing and it was very nice. I recall he kissed my forehead five times and I took that as a sign of caring. He tried to go for sex, but I refused and he was decent about it.
    Here’s where things get bizarre. He began to plead with me to buy him a very expensive baseball jersey to make up for all the times I’d been “mean” and “rejected” him. (Mind you, he knew I cried and was confused a great deal during the whole relationship) I told him no, and that I only go the extra mile for my son. He asked,”What makes me any different from him?” (He knows we are fairly wealthy)
    As he continued to plead for the jersey, I asked him what he would buy for ME…
    He’d somehow picked up on my hobby for painting and said he’d pick out some new things for me. I thought there was still hope he was a good man, but in my heart, I knew better. We kissed and hugged goodbye, and he seemed VERY happy.

    However, a very nagging thing he’d said during his visit lingered in me. He told me that he’d spoken to my son on the phone a week earlier. The coach made it clear to me that when my son comes home for the holidays, he’ll be buying alcohol for him if he wants it. I was told that I should comply with his willingness to provide my son with a controlled drinking environment!!! Shocking, I know.
    That same afternoon, I gave him his jersey. I left it on his porch as I didn’t want to see him again that day. I’d had too much of him by then, though I still really cared. I agreed I’d see him in three more days. At that time, I knew I could politely end things and simultaneously build his ego by telling him he is too good a man to buy alcohol for minors (My son is 17). So, I waited for three days with my “master” plan ready to save my son and end my scary affair. During the three days, the coach seemed to go on a texting frenzy, asking me incessantly for sex. I asked him nicely to please ease up on the texting. BIG MISTAKE on my part. On the third day, he never showed with my painting surprises. He never called. Nothing. I was crushed, yes, but also worried that I never got any assurance he’d keep my son safe from alcohol. I realized that was his final “power play,” and he’d “won”. I did not bother to message him or find out why he did this to me. I knew without a doubt he had totally tossed me aside. Besides, I was afraid he’d just yell at me as he’d done before. I realized a week into his discarding of me, he’d probably planned it all along.
    With a lingering fear for my son’s well-being, I went to the baseball association in our county. They were very supportive and informed me all the other offenses this coach has committed including purchasing alcohol for minors AND being involved with underaged girls on the softball team. The association is taking the situation very seriously and is slated to ban the coach from teaching or even working with any children in the state of Michigan. The manager, who my son looks up to a great deal, is going to speak with him in person and warn him of the dangers of this coach who is no “mentor” at all.
    I am scared every day. The coach has not contacted me, which is proof he is ruthless and has no conscious. This situation is far and away the worst thing I ever experienced in my life and my worries for my son’s involvement with this guy are intensified to the point I can hardly eat or sleep. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong. I cry every day for the hurt and betrayal and the power the coach has over my whole world.

  7. Heather Mumma

    Just a few random thoughts to you Cassidy. First, I don’t judge you. I went thru a fairly similar situation myself and have just recently been able to get my emotions in check over the whole mess. Secondly, please know, I feel what we have been thru emotionally is an addiction of sorts and it honestly takes awhile to break the addiction. Your body is releasing all kinds of chemicals and hormones and that has just got to get out of your system, which is gonna take a bit. I literally threw up every morning and developed an eye “tic” for a week. It will definitely mess you up. But you WILL survive and end up with a clear head. Just consider it DETOX. Even though I knew this man was NOT my type, NOT physically attractive AND GODLESS, I still went thru all these detox symptoms. Be extra good to yourself and get a massage every day if you want to. It sounds like you can afford what you need, so definitely do talk therapy and pamper yourself a bit. Buy yourself some special music, aromatherapy products for the house and your body, a facial, special exercise class, etc. I’ll be thinking of you and if you have any questions for me, I’d love to help you with what I can. I think I may be slightly narcissistic myself and thus somehow even MORE attracted to these toads, but girl, we can BREAK THE CHAIN! Good luck!  Heather

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  8. awake

    I am extremely impressed with the style in your narratives on the subject of PDI; I particularly can relate to the humor as I now look back in my two year recovery from this reptile.

    The “first cut” was from my abusive childhood and from there it manifested into poor choices in partners as well as just people in general. I found this to be equally challenging to recognize and address as it was in recovering from the psychopath that targeted me. There are two parts to this recovery; extracting yourself from the toxic influence of a pathological person and then moving on to wounds that perhaps go much deeper that kept you with a disordered individual. Much like the analogy of the favorite old jeans with the patches, they were COMFORTABLE – it was a comfort zone for me to be in a position of being abused and controlled. I felt rather lost when the psychopath was no longer in my life – much like throwing away those patche d up comfortable jeans we always want to wear. I am learning that’s it OK to let go of something that felt comfortable because not everything that feels comfortable is good for us. Living my life is different now and some days it still feels a bit foreign to me; but the pain is gone because I am learning to love myself –

    I am sorry if I posted this under the wrong heading – but on to “what’s on my mind” that is difficult to put to rest. Since I was raised by a mother I always had to prove myself to I compared myself to others growing up – always wanting to please others – my mother was extremely selfish, controlling and possessive of me. What is on my mind is “The Other Woman” ah yes, the “toads” pretty little princess he always hops back to. Again, I am comparing myself to what she possibly had that I never had – and in my silly little mind I also I think he turns off his pathology for her and only turned it on for me – this is crazy thinking because pathology does not work that way – if your a toad, you will always be a toad – do you have anything written of your thoughts and writings of helping people to overcome this feeling of being less than who they are with ? I would love to hear your feedback on what I can do to put this unhealthy obsession to rest — Thank you

  9. Heather Mumma

    These are my thoughts (for what they’re worth). The “Other woman” that he keeps hopping back to probably not only does NOT have ANYthing you don’t have; she probably has LESS than you. Toads normally choose people they can totally control, abuse and think they can manipulate and they will never leave. Thus, many times the “other woman” may have personal hangups that prevent her from seeing that she too is a valuable, sexy, wanted woman.  Heather

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  10. awake

    Thank you Heather – We are left in the aftermath of these relationships feelings so worthless and devalued – and its a double whammie when they remain with the woman they once told you that things were not going well with – they are not married they have been living together for a few years – naturally I believed it all and took the bait – I consider him nothing but a rapist now as I look back. – a man 56 years old doing this to women. I feel very bad for his GF she is probably very giving and loving to him and what he did to me he has done to many behind her back and no doubt very brainwashed. – as I once was. I had the strength to save myself and boy did it take strength more than I ever thought I had to fight the psychological damage he did to me; she LIVES with him and it will be doubly hard for her to get out from under his control. Many do when they have reached a point of almost total destruction. It’s great I can refer to him as a “toad” I like that better than psychopath – a toad is a toad – I wish they would all croak

  11. Heb

    I can so identify with the “rapist” thing. Isn’t it awful? and disgusting? to know that you let that lizardy guy touch you like that? He tricked you, yes he did. But now it’s your turn baby ~ Shine like you’ve never shone before! Learn from your mistake and be stronger from it. Make a difference for other women and those you love. Get out there and get going with the rest of your life!

  12. awake

    Heb, I am equal to the challenge!!

  13. Heb

    Yes!! SO glad to hear that. You really are awake now!

  14. awake

    Cassidy: I briefly read your struggles and have a fairly good idea what you are experiencing as this is much related to my experience; I too married and was targeted by one of these monsters – in the aftermath STILL married but not an easy thing to carry inside us. I try to understand that we were targeted because of a lonely and extremely vulnerable time in our life when he entered it; both my parents had died a few months apart and I was in a lonely verbally abusive marriage – the psycho looked like a gift from God – but in truth he was a gift from satan himself – I was advised by my counselor whose specialty was psychopathic relationship to NEVER tell my husband as I have been punished enough for this mistake and it would only serve to deeply hurt my husband and it would take him YEARS to understand the predatory manipulations of a psychopath – they LOVE lonely, abused unhappily married women and they can smell them miles away. Nothing a little passionate sexual bonding wont cure, that mixed in with the promise of a soul mate future together – at last they have found their match right? ya RIGHT!!! It was against all my principals and moral standards to cheat, never did it in all my 20 some years of marriage – he pursued me like there was no tomorrow. He did an excellent job in mirroring me – he did his work well.

    Looks, beauty have absolutely no meaning to them – I think of Holly Barry who is probably the most strikingly beautiful woman in the world – she is flawless and she was married to a cheating narco path, I think of Tiger Wood whose wife who was also a model I believe, – his women ranged from skanky looking prostitutes to other women – its the rush and power they derive from the thrill of validation they get from their cheating and other women – its a disease and most of them are sexual addicts – its not even about the actual act of sex itself really, sex is just one tool they use to obtain their control and manipulations over others – works nicely for them – you are obviously a beautiful woman as you model; I did some modeling in college – its difficult to understand why a man would want to cheat on a partner that is stunningly beautiful – inside and out for that matter – we were with a disordered, diseased person in where nothing much moves them but the fleeting temporary rush of the power over others that feeds their addiction.
    It took me so long to look in the mirror and realize I am STILL beautiful and because he was disordered he was unable to genuinely see anything that I was and again, inside and out – having a beautiful victim is just an added bonus for them – easier on the eyes but ANYBODY and ANY HUMAN can feed their sickness and disease – this is how I look at it – hugs

  15. Cassidy

    To Heather and “Awake”–
    Thank you for your support and kinds words. I get stronger every day and I’m not looking back on my regret and shame as much as I was. There is residual fear that lingers, a fear of making the “predator” angry. There were a couple of times he yelled, and it was just plain scary. Despite a slew of strange messages from him lately, I have not given the slightest response. Having learned so much from this bizarre experience, It helps allay my fears of him and what might transpire next. As far as the “addiction” aspect of my connection to him– that is gone. In fact, I’m not sure WHO that vulnerable woman was…? It is amazing how the fight to get through everything is a singular and highly personal battle. I do take pride in knowing I have come this far this fast mostly by myself. I believe the key is to keep irrational fears at bay, and to keep moving away from the “bad guy” no matter how hard he tries to pull you back in. I can honestly say, I’m not remotely tempted. I WILL be relieved when the feeling of being “on the run” from this mess permanently subsides. Soon, I expect the whole thing will appear the insigificant blip on the radar screen that I always knew it was.
    I will never never look at strangers/men the same way again. I see my husband in a whole new light and being in his arms is sanctuary–a guilty sanctuary for me still, but I’m slowly earning back my internal right to love him. After all, I am his wife!

  16. awake

    Cassidy – I 2nd that – once you have been with one of these individuals you never look at men the same way again – because these people blend in so well and they are out there waiting for the next easy target. Focus on the good and healthy people you have in your life and leave this sick person behind you – they truly are the walking dead – now that I am out over a year looking back it felt like I was in a torture chamber for 4 years – I lived for 4 years in pain when I didnt have to = all it took was some work on my part to find the truth of why I let a disturbed person hurt me. I never deserved that, but I allowed it. Once you recover it was worth every single painful moment to find the truth – hugs

  17. Cassidy A.

    Awake–I am impressed and inspired that after living four years of misery, you have come out on top. That is just so cool. I don’t think I could have survived fours of it. Three months is nothing compared what you battled–and won, so that is how I know I’ll survive and thrive going forward and reading words from supremely strong women like yourself.

    The “walking dead”… what a great comparison! These people are the saddest most insecure beings on the planet. When you do get away from them, you almost begin to feel sorry for them. Seems they have no pride or dignity when they start begging for your attention again. The reward of total departure is great, and the armor we (you and I) wear now is something I wish everyone could have without having to earn it the hard way.
    Encounters with these people are akin to reaching out and petting what appears to be a docile, sweet dog, when suddenly, out of the blue it growls and bites your hand with rabid ferocity. Yeah… you’ll never approach dogs the same way again. Come to think of it though, I’d rather get bitten by a dog than a narcissist.
    Well, I’m getting ready for the holidays now–sure is nice to be back among the living, appreciating the little things in life that become a seemingly unattainable dream when they are seriously threatened.
    Hugs right back atcha’, Awake!

  18. awake

    Cassidy: ha I agree with you on that one – I would rather be bitten by a dog than to EVER have any connection to a sociopath again – in fact if memory recalls me right in one of the many books I have read it is advised if you live next door to one dont even borrow a cup of sugar from them – but chances are I would never know that my neighbor was a psychopath – but knowing the sick bastard I was involved with he would have eventually exploited me over a cup of sugar some how – lol speaking of exploiting it still amazes me today how these individuals will turn on you yes Just like a rabid dog – as soon as you tell them your dreams, wishes, secrets, desires, needs they will use and turn all of it against you – and the second you become intimate with them you are automatically a whore – whore/madonna makes no difference all women are whores of the world to them – and even the madonna will eventually be devalued. and degraded. Cassidy they are NOT insecure – they suffer the opposite – they are however, empty, shallow and dead inside – they walk around with a false sense of self confidence and think they are GOD, Auntie Alex can correct me if I am wrong but they are FAR from insecure – arrogant, remorseless, cruel, frauds, relentless, no conscience, some claim they are pure evil, – Count your blessings your time with this person (if you want to call him that) was three months, I count my blessings I was never married to him or lived with him – but I was often reminded when I was in counseling that ANY type of exposure and contact with them is very toxic and damaging so dont underestimate the hell you went through being exposed to a PDI – they are NASTY!!!!!! This is the first year I am looking forward to the holidays and seeing for the first time the treasures I have always had – I am pain free and the bad man can never hurt me again – I hope you have a wonderful T day –

  19. Heb

    Awake: Thank you! Totally agree with the whore thing! My narc actually said to me “I’m SOOO bad, you should run!” and would make references to pictures of me that looked “so innocent” and just laugh and laugh about it. I think he set out from the start to somehow demoralize me; which in itself is pretty darned evil.
    It helps me so greatly to know someone else understands. Thanks again! Hope you have a blessed day.

  20. awake

    THE HOOVER I NEVER GOT: I think this subject falls in the category of having no closure – and I can live with that – the closure I took with me is knowing he was a psychopath. I have never posted my story but sometimes I believe our stories really dont matter – what matters is WHY we fell victim to such a traumatic experience – MOST of the underlying reason we were targeted is because we had something they wanted – and NEVER as a person or individual but for what we gave them that fed their disease. Simply stated,, we were and ARE good, kind, loving, giving human beings – and if you are a normal healthy human being you are GOING to have weaknesses and vulnerabilities or we would not be human!!

    We played together as children, 5 and 8 years old – we were adoptive 2nd cousins – his father and my mother were first cousins – we were not biologically related (THANK GOD) I never dreamed this little boy would grow up to nearly destroy my life. I have one particular childhood memory of him which sets off another RED FLAG – he had a toy in where you put a coin on it and a claw would come out and grab the coin – it fascinated me as it was rather scary for a 5 year old little girl – I think he enoyed watching me scared as that ugly claw would grab that coin – I believe he was born a psychopath there were certain things in my distant memory that I remember that was odd about him even as a child. We grew up went our separate ways and he came back into my life at the age of 24 – saying he had a HOT cousin – we had a brief fling but I didnt feel right as we were both adopted – again we parted, I went on to marry and have a family, and he NEVER married or had children but I heard through the family he just lived with various Girlfriends even his own mother said my son will never marry, he is too selfish – at this point I thought he was just a selfish man that preferred to never marry – ha ha again 23 years later he came into my life and showed up at my parents funerals they died 6 months apart – (he was 48 years old now) professing that he should have married me, and I was the one that got away that he had so much in common with and we would have had a great life – My marriage was lonely, and so much verbal abuse – and I was grieving the loss of my parents being an only child – he pursued me like there was no tomorrow and I resisted – told him I never cheated and never will – but I was up against a skilled sexual predator psychopath – and you know the rest of the story

    He re entered my life as a perfect prince and he transformed within a year to a sick, perverted, sexually deviated MONSTER!!!! Begged me to let him watch other men rape and have sex with me as he watched – wanted me to swing – wanted me to swing with he and his live in GF, (of which he told me the relationship was bad) it was all LIES and bullshit as his GF does NOT swing – but the relationship is bad because he is a psychopath so that wasnt a LIE, lol

    When I put flowers on my parents grave I have to look at his last name on the tomb stone next to them – his last name is the same as my grandmothers who is buried next to my mom and dad – UGH – its just a name but it clearly reminds me that someone in my family adopted a psychopath and I fell victim to him. Puts a whole different meaning into “the Black Sheep of the family” doesnt it? It deeply saddens me that my beautiful parents adopted me to remove me from a horrible situation and in my adoptive parents family there was a psychopath – my parents would have been mortified to know what he was – and they always thought he was such a great catch – ha ha ha ha I am grateful they went to their grave never knowing what this man did to their daughter – they were spared that. I am not dismissing my part in all this and WHY. I did the work and unwrapped so much abuse from my childhood before I was adopted at the age of 5. Abuse always follows you to make wrong choices in your life, and if its not addressed and corrected with an awareness you are doomed to repeat behaviors of unhealthy love as an adult. Until 5 years old I was shown love through abuse.

    That is my story – I hope my story will show others who fell victim to these disturbed individuals that YES – they DO NOT forget you, they may never think of you but they can come back even 23 years later – they can pull you from their compartmentalized memory of what once attracted them to you – 23 years later this predator remembered the birthmark I had on my left knee, and that was before he saw it again for the 2nd time!!!!! He remembered many things about me that I even forgot myself – but its not important what they remember about you, what matters is what you have discovered about them. 23 years ago I had NO IDEA or even the slightest clue that he was a sociopath – he had 23 years to practice and perfect his act –

    So I close with the lack of closure – perhaps something so sick, twisted and evil should NOT have closure? – closure is about having peace and putting something to rest whey you bury it. I can look at his name on the tomb stone next to my parents and know this person is forever dead and buried and I am alive, healthy and free maybe for the first time in my life!!

  21. Cassidy

    Awake– I can only imagine how the issue of being adoptive cousins made the situation all the more hurtful as a special bond that probably made you feel safe at first was broken and stripped of its uniqueness after the abuse began. I suppose since you dumped hard and fast ( I hope?) that he surely realises there is no point in hoovering.

  22. awake

    Cassidy – interesting that you should point that out – I had a strong trusting bond with him initially like nothing I ever experienced – surely I thought this man knowing my family and with our history would never hurt me – I thought his intentions were nothing but honorable and sincere – I think it was a double trauma in trying to accept that only a psychopath could have done something like this – he not only betrayed me but he betrayed my entire family so to speak – family means NOTHING to this man as that was proven when he turned out to be a predator – predating on his own family – it doesnt get any lower or sicker than that –

  23. Cassidy

    Awake–Yeah, what a Nightmare of a person your cousin must be. Hard to believe he wouldn’t have at least tried to make ammends on some level considering the familiy ties. What amazes me about these guys, is how they have the audacity to contact us as if everything is fine. The last time the coach reached out a week ago, I delivered the smack-down I’d always wanted to give him. I told him on no uncertain terms to stay away from me and my family. I also had the baseball association backing me, which helped a great deal. On that note, the coach immediately disappeared from my social networking list. He of course had the nerve to text, saying: “what”?
    I of course had the nerve NOT to respond. I hope he’s enjoying his narcissistic injury. I can honestly say that dissing him feels great– He’s learned the hard way not to mess with this married mom ever again–

  24. awake

    Yes, and they act like NOTHING is wrong after a long spell of NC – I experienced that two years ago with him when I went NC the first time – 4 months later this is what he said – ” God, I wondered what happened to you I thought you probably had a nervous breakdown or something” – and within 5 minutes, or even less he was saying how much he missed my private parts – I thought UGH – no reference at all to the long silence of 4 months only exploiting comments – so in reality he was calling me mentally unstable and nuts because he turned into a sexual sick perverted predator and I wanted no part of it and went no contact – I wanted so badly to say that you are a psychopath and a sick man to do what you did to me – lure me in under false pretense of someone you werent even close to – but why bother THEY DONT CARE he would of told me I was insane – and again it is THEM that are insane it was never us. If you are into swinging and such that’s fine what ever trips your trigger, its not for me – but dont go around pretending you are in love with someone then drop the mask a year later and reveal the truth – – stick with the people that like to do that – dont predate a unhappy married woman and exploit her weaknesses to serve your sick agenda – that is RAPE!!! Of course I learned my lesson in all this that there is nobody that will ever save or rescue someone else – NEVER you must always rescue yourself – no they never change they will be predators until they die they die Glad you got him out of your life – consider his dead as I do mine hugs

  25. Cassidy

    Awake– so true… They are like mindless sex drones. There were many times I told mine to join one of those pathetic online clubs for swingers and desperate types who need constant affairs. Sometimes, when mine would start with the sex talk– I’d lead him on just to dump him. I suppose we all have a bit of the narcissist in us, but it was entertaining to see his sheer desperation pointless sex. Such a sad life for them, jumping from stranger to stranger, never getting the benefits of a substantial love life. I wonder what went so wrong in their childhoods. I will always fear him, and the revenge he exact on me, though he has no clue I am afraid like that. Living in a small town is a little scary…

  26. awake

    They pref cheap sex over love – probably because they are good at cheap sex and CANT love lol which makes sense duh!!

    Mine told me once he went to a swingers club with his GF – (just what I wanted to hear right?) and I said any luck with that – and he replied – no they were too ugly – since when would he care if body parts were ugly because that is all we really are to them, objects that are body parts – well you go right ahead, knock yourself out – of course I would cry and cry with the thought of him with others – now I PITY the others – slimy and creepy is what he is. Many of them were born this way and it has nothing to do with their childhood – years ago I saw a documentary on those that Swing – I laughed through the whole show watching these sick adults gives their wives and husbands to others to screw while they watched – they looked like a bunch of idiots trying to relive the 60’s hippie era and love flower child – they claimed it kept their marriage alive and healthy – what a crock of shit – DONT MARRY then if you cant be sexually faithful to one person its that simple – because that is what marriage is and its not for everyone – it doesnt keep your marriage alive – it keeps your sickness alive and you dont belong married –

  27. Cassidy

    Oh neat, the hoovering has begun… Now let’s see… If there was any shred of manhood left in these guys, it is surely destroyed the minute they start with the apologizing, supplicant behavior. This might be the most emasculating thing I have ever witnessed. And no, I won’t respond to him.

  28. awake

    hoovering is the follow up act to see if you will give them another ovation like you did the first time – it can be just as a grand performance as the first one – but stop to think WHO DOES THAT? – who discards you, abuses you, treats you like dirt then comes back saying they are so sorry – NO THEY ARENT – he should have TREASURED me, he should have treasured the love I gave him – no normal person goes from Idolizing you one quarter in the fiscal year (ha) then exploits and abuses you the next quarter – mmmmm can we say its disordered? I THINK SO!!!! These sick freaks think they are so clever in hiding what they really are – and we are going to go back to them with an acting hoover and say – Oh sure, ok your destroyed my life, myself, lied from day one, cheated like you breathe but I will go back to you because you love me and I trust you – ha ha ha ya right. – have fun witnessing the most sickening display of acting you will ever see – and throw some popcorn at him as you are watching the scene – ha ha HUGS (DONT YOU DARE believe his hoover, I did two years back and he was only WORSE) enjoy the show

  29. Cassidy

    Awake, I laughed out loud when I read your bit about throwing popcorn at him. Oh my gosh this is so hilarious! I won’t dare fall for his act–it’s such a turn-OFF to witness the behavior. AND, reading what you just wrote, makes me even that much stronger–you are just so funny.
    Hugs right back atcha’–

  30. awake

    Cassidy – BLOCK HIM, dont let his toxic influence into your life he will only further destroy you again – nobody that was hoovered has a happy ending – NOBODY!!!! That’s all it is – one big show and act hugs

  31. awake

    and here is something else that will make you even stronger – I have witnessed oh lets see….. mmmm.. probably in the course of two years over 50 women that were hoovered – and NOT ONE Cassidy NOT ONE said it ever worked, ALL OF THEM said they were worse – now those are pretty low odds, we always think ours was different and ours was not really like those we read about – WRONG – mine was WORSE ha ha ha save yourself Cassidy block his attempts because having contact or going back would mean further destruction for yourself and your life – they are clever little bastards they can totally come back as someone else – they are SICK – they are all the psycho serial killers that disguised themselves to lure their victims in – they are no different than Drew Peterson but without the killing with blood – they kill you in a different way – Keep me posted on his performance I will be sure to send him a grammy award –

  32. Cassidy

    Awake–I did not and will not respond to him. It’s been several. days and considering I ignored his other messages, I’m sure he’s got the idea by now. I put a block on him, and it SO didn’t work as his last message came through anyway. I need to call my provider. But even narcissists have to just fade away on their own at some point when they are being ignored. I mean, that’s what people do. At least that’s what I’d do if someone ignored me. He will never get a response out of me. I’m not even remotely tempted. I don’t hate him, I don’t like him. I feel utter indifference. Maybe I’m a narcissist- LOL- oh boy, I hope not!! Amazing how how it all has messed with my mind.

  33. Cassidy

    Awake–Also, I am really glad you’re out there… You have been most helpful to me as we both know, I’m not out of woods just yet. I’m really close, but I’m sure I need a few more weeks. Even his lame messages laced with the obvious twinge of desperation make me feel momentarily lousy.

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