Alexandra Nouri lives in the USA.  She’s the snark and trouble behind two books, So. You’re in Love With a Narcissist, and Toads, and The Women Who Kiss Them. Aunt Alex’s Army Manual: How to Free Yourself From the Narcissist. And she begs you to do everything you can to stay with your Narcissist, as this helps keep him away from the rest of us.  She can be reached at alexandranouri@gmail.com.


32 responses to “About

  1. Alexa

    Thanks for keeping me strong. It’s tough but you’re blogs are a big help!

  2. You stay strong, Girlfriend; we’re here for you when you need someone to have your back!


  3. Stephanie P

    Hi Alex
    I just wanted to thank you. It sounds dramatic but I actually credit you with saving my life or at least my sanity.

    I was in a relationship for 5 years with a narcissist. I was warned before I got together with him by a mutual friend who was a mental health social worker that he had a PD but I didn’t listen. I didn’t really know what that meant.

    And for 5 years I was abused and made miserable and….you know the rest.

    Anyway, we were about to fly to Spain on holiday about 18 months ago when finally a switch flicked in my head and I kicked mine out. I’d found out he’d lied again and when I confronted him I just got a whole load of abuse. Over that weekend, which I spent a wreck on my sofa (he went to Spain anyway) I found your essay “So you’re in love with a narcissist?”

    It was that that made me see what I’d been living with. When he got back from Spain, he tried to get in touch but I went ‘no contact’. I carried your essay with me everywhere I went and if I was tempted to get in touch I got your article out instead. He tried a few times out of the blue 6 and 12 months later but I managed to not respond.

    So thank you thank you thank you for writing that essay. Occasionally I say a little thank you to the mysterious Alex Nouri for posting that essay online. I’m really glad to have found your blog (whilst I was searching for your essay for someone else) so I could thank you in person.

    And I love the bumper sticker!

  4. daneillefairchild

    Today is day 37 of my exodus from a 2 year affair with a narcissist. (I only recently figured out that was what I was dealing with a narcissist.) Reading your postings today (and laughing out loud from the right-on nature of your humor) has be so cathartic. I found myself thinking, “How does this person know my exact experience?” What a relief to know I’m not alone and I’m not crazy. Thank you so much for your blog. What a gift it is to me as I find myself again and live into my newfound freedom and liberation. Knowing that he isn’t just a mean asshole, but a sick and twisted and unfixable boy has been hugely healing. Much appreciation and gratitude!

  5. Michelle Parnell

    I love Love Love you! They way you attach humor to such a difficult situation.

  6. guy alex

    please? eight more like her? thank you for making me laugh!

  7. Paula

    Thanks, Alex, for telling it like it is. I’ve been studying up on anything I can get my hands on about narcissists and psychopaths since last fall, after the lightbulb came on about the exN/P (who introduced me to his cousin, who I ended up marrying – yeah, it’s complicated, but the bonehead did secure his narcissistic supply until I went NC, screw the family ties). Your blog is the first I’ve found that treats the “narcissism experience” with humor, yet chilling accuracy.

    I have a feeling I will be rereading your entire blog until I have a handle on dealing with his numerous enablers (which unfortunately include my husband, to some extent). Like, seriously, all of these people have known the N/P for 30 years and talk about his “quirks”, but no one is connecting the dots yet… It’s so sad it’s almost funny.

  8. Michelle

    Found your blog last night, and read every entry! Wow, I laughed and could relate to every word. You are spot on with your descriptions of these demons masquerading as human beings.

    I am in the process of divorcing the narcissist I was married to for 21 years. I am still stunned when I think of all he put me through. The pain is unbelievable, but I just keep holding on to the knowledge that I can move forward and heal.

  9. Tracy

    I needed that, much like a stiff drink after dealing with these demons straight from hell! They are growing in numbers. They have come to steal, kill and destroy us…devils!
    Keep writing, educating others and saving so many lives.

  10. Donna

    Alex, I’ve read and researched a plethora of info about these people. After 4.5 years of an internet ‘romance’ with one, I am finally accepting and at peace that he is completely nuts and oh so predictable. The lights have come back on in my brain and heart at last! PLEASE keep writing your articles–they offer comfort, support and the ability to laugh at how completely insane these bozos are and that nothing is wrong with us, the ones who have wasted time trying to love them into normalcy. God Bless You!!

  11. Tatiana

    Thank you – really. For finally making me laugh about this very sad and real confusing situation in my life. My N broke up w me 3 months ago after a 2.5 yrs and started to date a new girl after 2 weeks of breaking up. From what I understand he is deep in love and in a very serious relationship w her… Its been 3 months! Until I started doing research and educating myself – this has been a dark abyss of blaming myself for the break up and for not being strong enough to “move on”… Thank you as I have been crying, depressed and again blaming myself now for not seeing the signs. Always blaming myself. Thank you for creating strength in humor in a respectable and empowering way to victims of emotional abuse. Thank you!!

  12. Tera

    I have a question for Alex or anyone else who has knowledge of this. Is it common for a narcissist to have the image of a “good guy”? I would never have considered my husband the typical N because he seems like a do- gooder (volunteering in the community, super-nice to everyone, etc.), but there is a definite lack of any real empathy for others and has never been any real intimacy in our 15 year marriage. After him having an “emotional” affair last year, his therapist told me that he was splitting and projecting: he could only see himself as “all good” and therefore any bad things he did he had to project onto me. My therapist is now telling me that she is assuming (but will not make a clinical judgment because she’s only seen him a few times and is not his official therapist) he has a high level of narcissism.

    Anyway, just wondering if this Nice Guy image is common? He never takes the blame for anything, always finds a way to make it my fault and does a marvelous job allowing the world to only see his “good” side.

    Thanks for your feedback!

  13. “Anyway, just wondering if this Nice Guy image is common?”

    Very. Every narcissist pretends to be something he’s not, and every narcissist pretends to be a fabulous guy. Not just great, but uniquely awesome; just agreeable, but… NICE.

    Too good to be true. And with narcissists, that’s the truth.

  14. Viv

    Like your comment about staying with the narcissist so he/she will stay away from others. Unfortunately my experience of narcissists is they are never satisfied with one person and tend to secretly have a whole gaggle of suppliers tucked away in a kind of bicycle wheel structure where they have access to every spoke but there is no link to each other- so less chance of comparing notes and kicking him/her to the curb. x

  15. Viv

    Tera, ‘is this nice-guy image common’ – yer, like is the Pope Catholic ! The narcissists I have met have all donned the sheep’s clothing to hide the wolf underneath. Little Red Riding Hood bumped into one and was conned into believing the wolf (narcissist) was her cuddly, caring grandmother until he got her into a vulnerable position and pounced. If he was honest and said I’m a wolf 99.9% of people would run for the hills and he would go hungry, hence the I’m harmless, cute, misunderstood, victimised (pretend boy) – it works like a dream that’s why they use it. x

  16. I can see clearly now....

    Thanks for your replies, Alex & Viv. I can see things so much more clearly now. When my therapist first introduced the idea that husband might have high level of narcissism, the idea seemed absurd. Everybody knows that he’s “such a nice guy!” Over the last couple months, through a crisis situation that has magnified his lack of empathy and extreme self-centeredness, I have begun to see his actions through a different filter. Now the hardest part will probably be watching my kids learn this for themselves over the next 5 or 10 years.
    Thanks for this website, Alex. It’s informative AND puts a smile on my face.

  17. Lonnie

    I can’t thank you enough for this – really. Dumped and discarded and I didnt even see it coming. Now I know, and your writing was the first that made me laugh and actually helped. Please keep on, you made a difference for me, and you just gave me some strength.

  18. Kim

    Alexandra – I just found your wonderful site/blog and am reading, laughing and crying all at the same time and wonder how it is that everyone seems to be in the same relationship with the guy I had? Nope – they are all different men – just the same behaviors. Identical. I mistakenly gave my man a second chance. After he broke things off with me. During the break-up he was hoping I would call/text/email beg/plead/cry….which I never did. Ever. Instead I went No Contact for the wrong reason. Not to heal, but to get him to want me again. I had no idea who I was dealing with. Six weeks into the NC, he texts me out of the blue asking for advice, help with another relationship. Instead of becomming un-glued – I simply gave him the advice, and left. Then…all of the “I miss you, want you, need you, think of you…think of our life together” comments came. I got sucked in and gave him a second chance. At us. Well – we became intimate and as he kissed me goodbye at the airport – I had NO IDEA that it was goodbye forever. I never never heard from him again. As if I were wiped off the face of the earth. The hurt is deep and I cannot figure out for the life of me how he could do this? Then, I read up on narcissism and every description is him EVERY ONE! It has been 3 weeks and I stil think about him. And so hoping he is miserable without me.

  19. sad victim

    Dear Alexandra, I have linked your blog at my blog. Please may I know if I have your permission for this. Found your blog via http://elissestuart.wordpress.com
    My blog is here: http://galbtdt.blogspot.com/

  20. Go for it! And keep up the good work spreading the word.

    Now, let’s work on getting you to a place where you’re not a sad victim anymore. 🙂

  21. Love your writing… you are a true inspiration

  22. AM

    I was wondering if there is any advice for those of us unfortunate enough to have to keep dealing with our Narc because we have very small children with them and they are trying to get custody of them….help any help would be appreciated! Particularly in dealing with the custody issues.

  23. DK

    For AM,

    I fought a 2 year custody battle with XN. I prevailed with legal custody of our children. Use the court system (albeit it’s admittedly a nightmare too) as your arsenal. Don’t wait to get a Guardian Ad Litem and/or a Psych Eval. Don’t expect the N will do anything concilliatory when it comes to the kids. He never did, I imagine. He never will. You have declared war on the N. Ns have no mercy, so you need to do the right thing by your kids, keep accurate records and a digest of EVERYTHING that he does that road-blocking or disrupts the kids schedules, school, etc. Ns are so arrogant they will bury themselves with their own misdeeds, and still turn around and accuse you them. Remember that you know the difference between reality and the world of illusion swirling around in an Ns head. This is critical. Stay matter-of-fact. Only make contact when it is an EMERGENCY. Otherwise, beg, borrow and steal your way through so you don’t have to contact. Contact = Opportunity for the N to control. This is a tough road, very tough. I’ve travelled it. I survived it. Many of us have. You can do it. Persevere and know that the N is mentally ill, can’t help himself, and will eventually lose in court if you stay cool, calm and collected (this is way easier said than done. I’ve lost it on more than one occassion – we non-N humans have a range of emotions, so give yourself a break sometimes). Be good to you. This will spillover to your kids. Good luck!!!!!

  24. AM

    Thank you for the great advice. I am unfortunately currently preparing for a battle for custody. He wants 50/50 arrangement which I won’t agree to so now the back and forth begins. My lawyer is confident since his father sexually abused him and we now have the notes from his counselor that prove he was watching my teenage daughter take showers through a hole in the wall so he can no longer deny his actions that we have enough so that we will not have a 50/50 joint arrangement but temporary arrangement of every other weekend and a few hours one night a week we have currently which I still find almost unbearable. It is impossible for me to fathom that I must continue to endure his tortures for at least another 14 years until our children are grown and then to try to undo the damage he inflicts upon them also…the task is endless….thank you for this wonderful forum of support.

  25. Leslie

    Thank you so much for this blog. It’s a life saver. I left two days ago. I’ve been going back and forth for 3 years. Promises, promises, promises he never keeps to be respectful and not verbally abusive, and than he starts a fight. I thought I was being overly sensitive to critisism…yeah right!

    I am starting from nothing. I had to leave my horse and couple of cats until I can get a job and make arrangements for them. I think No Contact would work best for me. Any suggestions on how to communicate about the animals since it will take a couple of weeks to a month maybe or so to make arrangements for them.

  26. Thelma

    Dear Aunt Alex, Bravo!!! You’re awesome, you’re the Lizabeth Salander of Narcissist abusers. If I were gay I’d be hot for you. Thank you for wading out in the bog with a lantern. Who knows how many countless women you have saved and are saving from toad excrement, and making them laugh into the bargain. Just ordered your books on Kindle.

    Thanks again, your new BFF.

  27. Carrie

    Alex you are a lifesaver! 13 years of marriage to my N. He had not only me but all of my family and friends convinced that he was a good guy. As enormous as this pain is right now I KNOW I need to be strong no matter what. Thank you so much for all of your wisdom support and practical advice! And to all of the other woman going through this- we will get through it!

  28. Hey ! There is an award out there that isn’t a typical award…It’s the ADDICTIVE one & is hard to resist. I nominated you here http://iconicallyrare.com/2012/09/22/the-thing-about-awards/

  29. Penelope

    I’m surrounded by toads… my ex boyfriend, my Dad, my brother… all major Narcissists! I actually thought that a narcissistic toad = a man but now I realise that not all men behave this way… phew!

    Toads are dangerous animals that shouldn’t be able to wander amongst loving, caring women and wreak their destruction.

    When my ex N was pretending to be upset and sad with a big grin on his face I would say nope… that’s the wrong expression for that emotion, keep practising in front of the mirror honey! Ugh!

    Aunt Alex you are the best! I’m sending you lots of love and thanks for making me laugh and exposing the toads and decoding toad behaviour!

  30. I’m in counselling after getting involved with a man who promised me everything, but would not break off an existing relationship, and I eventually found out he was cheating on us both with someone else too.

    Your books and blog posts have got through to me like nothing else has and there are not enough “thank you”s in the world to express how grateful I am for the strength you have helped me find to break away from this man. You also made me realise that thinking I had brought this on myself is pointless and just plain wrong.

    Although ignoring his messages is so hard and sometimes I feel like I can’t get out of bed, I know things will get better and I’m determined to be toad-free from now on. Onwards and upwards!!!



  32. Lisa

    Here’s a good one for everyone…Do you think you are dating a N when you are in the midst of a major career change, living alone, going through menopause, having a mother who just had a lung transplant who is the N queen, and experiencing a deep isolation and sadness that seems hopeless therefore you reach out to him asking for support and guess what…He says he will come and “take care of you” and then he promises to call you the next morning. The call never came and why? He was too busy engaged in an auction online to win a camera lens. Girlfriend tanking or auction, what is the priority here? When he does show up, I so ever gently ask him to call when he says he will. The crap hit the fan and then I come home after telling him the evening before, it was difficult to wrap my head around being deceived. He said that I was making up a “tall tale” in my head and he could not believe I was upset over him hiding spending time his time with a “family friend” that happens to have verbally tried to seduce him and yes it is a gay man that has wedged his way into being great friends with his mother, who my N guy lives with. Here’s the best part, he leaves a note on my kitchen table telling me “not to look too much into the timing of his departure” that is after I confronted him with being accountable, he just felt I was attacking him and he had to “save himself” and leave because he was being attacked. He promptly drove home to his mother’s. Funny thing he is 60 years old and lives with his mother because he does not have a steady income to sustain himself. To his network of friends, he is such a compassionate human being, doing all these nice things for people in need, very charming, entertaining, and of course handsome. Why who would ever think he was so emotionally cruel??? By the way, no gifts for me during special occasions. You know why, he just didn’t have the time. Of course not, he is too damn busy on the internet shopping for crap for himself. How in the freakin world did I end up being so manipulated and having my feelings minimized and everything projected back at me??? They are masters at deception. Charming the socks off anyone or thing that will adore and praise them. GO AWAY and STAY AWAY!!!

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