The Friday Five — September 21, 2012

Sound like anyone you know?

This week’s Friday Five — Five ways in which narcissists reveal their profound insecurities:

1. Dressing like a teenage skateboarder, except with a goatee, even though he’s 44 and wrinkly.
2. Checks his phone for texts at least 92 times an hour, even though no one texts him except for Verizon telling him his credit card is expired.
3. In board games with kids, gets into arguments with them about the rules and pouts if he loses.
4. Accidentally hits an opossum with his truck, and says, with a straight face, “That thing didn’t know who it was dealing with.”
5. Says, “If I were to ask you to move in with me, what would you say?” You answer, “Are you asking me to move in with you?” He replies, again with the straight face, “No, I’m just asking what you would say if I did.”

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Dear Aunt Alex – 8/28/12

 

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:: Because Aunt Alex gets mail.

 

Dear Aunt Alex:

I’ve heard that there are therapies, like Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, and Schema Therapy, that work on people with personality disorders.  This gives me a lot of hope. Should I go ahead and make the narcissist an appointment?

    Signed, Beth

 

Dear Beth:

Yes, I admit it — of course you should!  The sooner the better!  Hang in there, Beth, and best of luck!

OK, now, Beth is going to keep that nincompoop busy for a good while longer, so we needn’t worry about him bothering us any time real soon.  So, for the rest of us, here’s the thing about psychotherapy and narcissists:

1. They probably won’t go to real therapy, ever, unless it’s for some stupid fake reason like, “I want to figure out why I keep settling for such unworthy women.”  Narcissists very rarely acknowledge that there’s anything wrong with them, much less anything as rigid, assclownish and difficult to help as NPD.  Even if they say they’ll go to therapy, that’s still a far cry from their actually going and sticking with it.

2. If they do go to a therapist, it’ll be about three weeks (out of a two-year intensive treatment plan) before they’ll be calling themselves cured and quit therapy.  “I got all I need out of it.  I can self-manage from here.”  They’ll fake all the psychobabble stuff, just like they fake everything else, and be exactly the same as they were before — except a little more smug and a lot more annoying.  (“Look, I went to therapy for you, and the therapist said I didn’t even need it.  Now, what have you done for me lately?”)

3. If the therapist is new, or kinda soft, the narcissist will snow her with little effort and manipulate the therapist into telling him everything he wants to hear — he’s amazing, it’s all your fault, and maybe they should go and discuss this more over drinks.  (OK, therapists don’t say that last part, but the narcissist will think she (or he) did.)

I’m sorry, I really am, but narcissism does not respond meaningfully to psychotherapy, drugs, inpatient care, or anything else psychiatry or behavioral health have to offer.  You can’t treat it with vitamins, an exercise regimen, antidepressants, or herbs.  Meditation?  Great for you, useless against NPD.  Family counseling, an intervention, rational-emotive behavioral therapy, gestalt therapy, an ice bath, a colonic cleanse?  I’m sorry, Cadet.  When Mister Turtle is dead, he’s dead, and needs to be buried.  When Mister Toad is a narcissist, well, you need to let go of him, too, and cut your losses, because therapy bounces right off, drugs can’t sustain, and a girl has gotta get real, and move on.

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The Friday Five — June 29, 2012

This week’s Friday Five — Five bizarre things narcissists have said to Aunt Alex:

1. You are a FAKE!
2. Who are you talking about on that website? Nobody acts like that.
3. Your ‘Blame Game’ approach helps no one, Lady.
4. You think you’re a know-it-all about narcissists? Takes one to know one, doesn’t it?
5. Just another hate site. Bite me, hater “auntie”.

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The Sunday Six

Aunt Alex didn’t get the Friday Five out as expected. So, here we are:

Six Ways to Leave Your Narcissistic “Lover”

1. Just get out.
2. Fast.
3. Run, don’t walk.
4. Never look back.
5 Don’t bother leaving a “Dear John” letter.
6. Feel free to take any of his pets with you as a humanitarian rescue effort, unless they’re as psychotic as he is. If he balks later, tell him they must have escaped his BS when they saw the going was good, just like everyone else.

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The Friday Five — June 1, 2012

This Week’s Friday Five: Five Ways to Get Rid of an Uninvited Narcissist Visitor

1. Tell him he looks fat in those pants.
2. Ask him if the reason he’s here is because he’s already bored everyone else to death.
3. Ask him if he has the money he owes you.
4. Tell him you’re glad he’s here, because the elderly lady down the road needs her lawn mowed. Call her in front of him, and tell her he offered.
5. Never, ever underestimate the beauty of mace.

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At Amazon.

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May 31, 2012 · 6:35 am

Aunt Alex's Army Manual

1 Comment

May 30, 2012 · 8:09 pm